April Fools: Students can’t stop, won’t stop twerking over Miley at Bigelow Bash

Editor’s Note: This is a satirical story.

For the first time since Kesha graced the University of Pittsburgh with her glittery presence in 2011, another A-list female pop star will come in like a wrecking ball at Bigelow Bash.

On the off chance that already-booked Timeflies, a hip-hop and techno group, unexpectedly misses its flight and cannot show up for its performance, the Pitt Program Council announced that it has scurried to find a backup and was able to book Miley Cyrus, a former actress on Disney Channel’s “Hannah Montana,” for the event. 

Students and administrators have mixed feelings about the possibility of this last-minute plan being necessary. 

Chancellor Mark Nordenberg said he is worried about the effect Cyrus’ performance might have on the student body. 

“I saw her performance on the Video Music Awards, and I have to say that I don’t think it’s a good idea for Pitt students to be exposed to this twerking nonsense,” Nordenberg said. 

He also pointed out that many of Cyrus’ songs showcase explicit content that could encourage binge alcohol consumption and sexual promiscuity. 

He indicated one track on Cyrus’ most recent album Bangerz entitled “We Can’t Stop,” in which Cyrus describes “red cups and sweaty bodies everywhere,” and goes on to speculate that “somebody here might get some now.” 

Dean of Students Kathy Humphrey disagreed. According to Dean Humphrey, Pitt students are smart enough not to take Cyrus’ lyrics seriously. She also noted that Cyrus is a strong young woman who can empower female Pitt students with her success. 

“Having Miley Cyrus perform will give us the best of both worlds, and we always want the world for our students,” she said. 

Gabrielle Riggs, a sophomore engineering major, said she was concerned about what the atmosphere might be like at Cyrus’ performance because of previous stunts the pop star has pulled.

“She smoked a joint on stage at the MTV Europe Music Awards. If she thinks that’s acceptable, there’s no telling what she will do on a college campus. She can’t be tamed,” Riggs said. 

Another student complained of Cyrus’ popularity. Jason Hipstar, a sophomore English writing major, said he wishes a less mainstream act was chosen as the backup. 

“My friends and I would rather see a cool band that nobody knows about headline at Bigelow Bash,” Hipstar said. 

Peyton James, a senior political science major, said she thinks Cyrus’ performance could be relatable for Pitt students, as Cyrus has recently transitioned from child actress on a Disney Channel show to a provocative pop star teaming up with record producer Mike Will Made It. 

“Miley is going through a transformation right now and trying to redefine herself,” James said, “Just like we’re trying to find ourselves at college.” 

She also said that almost all of Cyrus’ songs are upbeat and will encourage students to dance and sing along.

“Bigelow Bash needs really fun acts that will keep the crowd moving, like when Kesha came,” she said. 

Alex Jacobs, a senior communications major, said, either way, he is happy that his Bigelow Bash experience will end on a good note. 

“I’m really excited at the possibility of seeing Miley Cyrus, actually,” Jacobs said, “She’s been so popular over the last year and seeing her live would be a defining and memorable moment of my last year at Pitt.”

Jacobs admitted that he might become emotional if Cyrus came and chose to play her more sentimental songs during the performance. 

“I’m not going to lie. If she comes and plays any of her inspirational songs, I will probably tear up thinking about graduation. It’s really all about the climb,” Jacobs said.