Improving college dating culture requires increase in quality of communication

I never thought I’d say this, but recently I read an article published in Cosmopolitan that was very thought provoking. Shocking, right? Cosmo articles are usually jokes at best and degrading at their worst, so when my friend sent me a link and I saw the website URL, I had low expectations.

The article, “Why Is College Dating So Screwed Up?” by Charlotte Lieberman, examines supposed root problems of contemporary college relationships (ex: hookup culture, fluid sexuality, etc.) and shares a multitude of anecdotes that detail people’s failed experiences in the college dating arena.

The section that struck a chord with me the most was about how our generation is obsessed with pretending that we don’t care.

It’s true. Think about it: How many times have you looked at a Facebook or text message and purposefully waited a set amount of time before responding? How many times have you not texted a person out of the fear of committing the social faux-pas of double texting or not initiated a date or get-together because you already initiated the last one?

True, there is a line between caring and stalking, but in general, we’re a generation that’s scared to show affection.

We’re scared to demand more of our partner because we don’t want to appear needy or whiny. We avoid putting exclamation points in our texts because we don’t want to seem overeager. We settle for casual relationships when we want something committed because this is college and those types of relationships run rampant. We act like it is OK when a guy responds with one word to our two paragraphs because we don’t want to fall into that crazy, overemotional girl stereotype.

We’re scared to show we care, and that’s a problem.

Granted, this isn’t an issue for everyone — some people rock casual, minimal-contact relationships — but I’ve received enough frustrated messages from friends to know that it is not an isolated problem.

I think hookup culture and casual relationships can be liberating and fun when both parties are on board with the idea, but I also think they can be frustrating and upsetting when you’re consistently settling for less even though you want more.

Apathy has been an issue for me in several relationships. I consistently felt like I was putting myself out there and then getting rejected by, “Cool. Sounds like fun,” and, “Whatever, I don’t care,” texts. I always made plans with little to no reciprocation. It was exhausting trying to read between the lines. Did they like me at all? Did their outward apathy mirror their inner feelings toward me or were they just really bad at expressing themselves?

To remedy the issue, I put myself out there even more, telling them how much I cared and bluntly stating that to be happy, I either needed more from them or to cut ties with them completely. My honesty was respected and although neither relationship worked out long-term, knowing that our needs ultimately didn’t match up made the endings that much easier.

Being honest about your emotional needs and wants is hard — I play out those conversations in my head days, sometimes even weeks in advance — but it’s better to get everything out in the open than to wonder if he’s still seeing other people or if fantasizing about spending spring break together is only going to lead to disappointment. Communication is important in any relationship, but it only helps if you’re completely open with one another.

In her article, Lieberman mentions our generation’s addiction to communicating by text. I think face-to-face communication is always preferable, since certain things — such as sarcasm — are lost in translation. But messaging is so ingrained in our culture that we have to find a way to make it work in relationships. Be straightforward about what you want and expect. We need to stop waiting by our phones for our partners to text us back and getting upset with their monosyllabic answers. Texting isn’t the pitfall of contemporary relationships. The pitfall is that we often don’t know how to do it effectively.

I agree with Lieberman: I think that campus dating culture is broken and that the root problem is communication. We no longer know how to express ourselves, or at least are unwilling to show how much we care and to make ourselves vulnerable. Opening up to someone is terrifying, but it’s only through honesty with ourselves and others that any lasting relationship can be formed. If hookup culture works for you, that’s great, but if you want something more, you can’t be afraid to put yourself out there and ask.

Write to Channing at clk87@pitt.edu.