Signs of Pitt problems

You know the girl in the corner of a party who always seems to be talking about her horoscope? There’s always a huddle of enthusiastic girls around her sporadically shouting, “Oh my god, that describes my personality so much!” or “Yeah, water signs are really intuitive.”

Hi, I’m Sophia, and I’m that girl at the party who shamelessly believes in astrology. Part of this could be because I’m a Scorpio — you fellow Scorps know what I mean. But all jokes aside (not that being the ruler of the zodiac is a joke), I’ve found that I can guess almost everyone’s sign after getting to know them for a while. See, I don’t mean astrology you find online alongside tacky ads for shoe websites. I’m talking about the fascinating, ancient method that explains your personality based on the day you were born. When you think about the simple facts of astrology, they don’t seem so far-fetched: You share a sign with everyone who was born within the month of that sign. Here’s what I’ve picked up on, and the predicted Pitt problem that most infuriates you. Some bias might apply.

Aries (March 20-April 20): The first sign in the zodiac, who sometimes acts like the oldest child. You’re ruled by your head, stubbornness often gets in the way of smooth relationships, and confidence can get the best of you. Lady Gaga and Hitler appropriately fall under this sign. However, you’re very driven and set an example for others. 

The Pitt Problem that infuriates you most: when the self-service printer inexplicably loses your document. Picture it: You’re in a rush. You’ve spent all night working on a paper, squeezed in whatever amount of sleep you could, and it all comes down to this self-service printer. You’ve waited in line, Pitt ID in hand, and you’re not the only one pushing 10:57 a.m. for an 11 a.m. class. You proudly swipe as if you’re a gold-star member of an airline club, and what happens? A lack of documents pops up. You lose your sheet.

Taurus (April 20-May 21): Your animal is a bull, and if you’re worried that this means you’re stubborn, you are correct. It can be nearly impossible to push a Taurus in a particular direction, as they are methodical and do not enjoy impulsiveness. But they are also very level-headed and often humble. They have much in common with Aries, I’ve noticed, and often the two signs develop close friendships.

Pitt Problem: when a course is no longer offered. Scheduling is a balancing act of incorporating sleep, practicality, waitlists, a good professor and happy hours (that last one might just be me). Once you have it all set in stone, the last thing you need is an email over break stating that the course will no longer be offered and that you need to readjust your whole plan. Bull. 

Gemini (May 21-June 21): One word: talkative. This sign, represented by twins, sometimes has two mouths, whether it’s gossiping, discussing or telling stories. These signs are often the people who are entertaining at the party. This isn’t to say that they can’t be productive and disciplined when they need to, but you’ll notice their conversations first. 

Pitt Problem: no service in the depths of Cathedral. This one speaks for itself. These signs are constantly communicating, and it always seems to be that important conversation that a sudden lack of service inevitably interrupts. I would avoid the G7 computer lab.

Cancer (June 21-July 28): finally, a fellow water sign. This crab is appropriately assigned to represent an easy-going, easily adapting personality. While they are driven and passionate, they tend to be a little carefree regarding the small stuff, making them an ideal friend for more fixed signs. Also worth noting: This sign is heavily fixed to the moon, so you often experience a variety of emotions in a week. In short, it’s never dull with you.

Pitt Problem: the ice invasion of 2014. Few things bother you, but the icy sidewalk Olympic event that was getting to class a few weeks ago was just unacceptable. Crabs can walk on land and swim in water, but this combo was a sick little joke, and unlike their laidback reaction to most obstacles, Pitt Cancers were pretty salty about it.

Leo (July 29-Aug. 23): It’s difficult as a Scorpio to sugarcoat the explanation of a Leo. The lion represents the king in mammal life and a self-titled drama queen in the astrological world. They are funny, independent and isolated, but require the praise of the other signs to validate their confidence. They almost always become leaders and enjoy seeing their hard work manifest into a prestigious title.

Pitt Problem: Finding a place to eat at noon. Specifically, navigating the Cathedral Cafe at noon. Leos aren’t alone in wondering how the nation’s tallest university building must confine to the small watering hole at the peak hour, but they’re likely to fume the most about this. Can’t a lion just get some spicy tuna?

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 28): These are about as fixed and earthy as you can get. They’ve got the easy-going nature of water and air signs with the fixed attitude of an earth sign. They are independent, stable with their moods, driven and fun at the same time. But one thing they’re particularly demanding with is time, as sturdy organization rests on everything following a schedule.

Pitt Problem: Waiting for the elevator at the Cathedral. Efficiency dictates that we climb the stairs because you really don’t know how long it’s going to take: whether that elevator will stop at your floor, whether it’s actually going up, whether it’s working, how much awkward shifting will prevent your backpack from hitting that professor. But since we don’t have quads of steel, most Virgos will have to suck it up and succumb to the anxiety of not having these answers.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): Your sign is represented by the balancing scales because you try to see both sides of a given situation while maintaining a strong foundation. Libras are associated with thinking, but experience has led me to associate Libras with athleticism as well. Perhaps because they’re usually so focused and concerned with others, they need a little bit of “me” time to let go of mental strains.

Pitt Problem: The Pete closing for random events. As with Virgos and Cancers, it’s pretty hard to grind your gears, but a scale will tip at some point. That said, when you take the time for yourself to clear your mind, the last thing you want to on the doors to the gym is a notification that Selena Gomez’s performance will cut your workout short tonight.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 22): the best. Awesome. We could have a whole column just about these ones. They have depth, drive and sensitivity (even though we will do our best not to show it). We won’t sting; we just want you to think we will. Truthfully, a Scorpio is someone who is balancing selfishness with a passionate nature for others. It’s very difficult for us to show any empathy toward those who don’t care for us; perhaps this is why some signs might love us and others might loathe us. However, we’re not boring, and we’ll be great company no matter how dry the desert.

Pitt Problem: closing of local restaurants for health violations. We love bad dishes; that’s our problem. We don’t feel lightly about anything, including local restaurants. So if we read on a Monday morning that another Oakland restaurant has been closed, our first thought isn’t, “What legal violations have been broken this time?”, but rather, “Free [insert restaurant name here]!”

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 22): It’s no coincidence that these signs fall under the holiday season because they’re one of the most uplifting and positive signs of the zodiac. They’re confident, lucky and oftentimes thought to be over-ambitious by other signs. Case in point: Miley Cyrus. They can feel a little confined if their personality isn’t able to shine through at work and might do things half-baked.

Pitt Problem: relying on the lottery for housing and the housing system in general. Your optimistic attitude is probably no match for the scary unknown of where you’re going to live after freshman year. And while luck is usually on your side, the housing lottery seems to be a whole different sorcery.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 20): I’ve always associated Capricorn with the business-minded type. Whatever goals they have in mind are taken care of in a very tactful, decisive manner. They tend to work quietly, enjoy the traditional norms in life and don’t draw too much attention to themselves. But their enthusiasm to get to know others and openness to relationships makes it easy for them to create friendships and lends them an outlet for their true personality.

Pitt Problem: not finding an outlet in the library. Nothing gets in the way of your study plans like awkwardly peeking in and out of bookshelves and scaling along the walls like a salamander to find those three-prong holes of relief.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): I’ve had trouble finding something to tie all Aquarius signs together because they truly differ from one another. I’ve met quiet and shy ones, easy-going whimsical ones, sturdy and concentrated ones. But one adjective that describes them perfectly is rebellious. They are firm about what they want, and if it goes against the grain, even better.

Pitt Problem: Pitt spirit, perhaps? Has an Aquarius ever said #H2P not ironically? 

Pisces (Feb.18-March 20): The last sign of the zodiac and the sign whose month we happen to be in currently. Pisces is also a water sign: cool, down-to-earth and less emotionally demanding than Cancers and Scorpios. They take friendships and relationships seriously. They don’t always allow someone in their lives, but when they do, they hope to keep them there.

Pitt Problem: gen-eds. Laziness is one of the negative characteristics of a Pisces. Their attitude toward people extends to academic subjects as well, and a pre-med Pisces will probably have trouble caring about a vampire class.  

Write Sophia at soa11@pitt.edu.