Editorial: Casual Fridays

A Family Yarn

A Dutch family has given new meaning to the phrase “close knit.” Marieke Voorsluijs, a mother of two, found herself feeling lonely as her eldest son became a teen. According to Voorslujis, she had grown accustomed to regular cuddle sessions, but now that her son has entered puberty, all he seems to care about are his friends and electronics. To fill the void, Voorslujis spent two months knitting a life-sized, wool composite of both of her sons. The model comes complete with its own “Punk is not dead” hoodie and a pair of knit headphones. The Pitt News will update this story if new developments threaten to break up this clothes family.

Driveway of the Dolls

A group of college students in San Diego, California, are collectively bobbling their heads in confusion after discovering more than 600 bobbleheads of former San Diego Padres player Chris Denorfia scattered across their condo complex’s street.  Since finding the mess back in November, the roommates have been using the bobbleheads as party favors. Police still have not responded to their call or launched an investigation, and it remains unclear how or why the bobbleheads ended up on their doorstep. Hopefully the media coverage doesn’t leave Denorfia with too big of a head.

No Manual to Crime

Two men remain on the loose after unexpectedly slamming the brakes on their plan to carjack a 28-year-old in East Liberty on Tuesday. The suspects tapped on the man’s driver-side window with a gun and demanded that he turn over his cell phone and keys. Unfortunately for the would-be crooks, their robbery stalled out once they realized that the driver’s car was a stick shift. Unable to drive a car with manual transmission, the suspects fled on foot. Pittsburgh police have not officially confirmed that the suspects are coddled Millennials.

One for the Birds

On Wednesday, Texas Senator and Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz earned a quacking endorsement from controversial Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson. “Ted Cruz is my man, I’m voting for him,” Robertson said in a YouTube video posted by Cruz’s campaign, unable to camouflage his passion for the candidate. The two bonded during a duck hunt, confirming the old saying that birds of a feather shoot other birds together.

Yard (for) Sale

Interested buyers can now purchase the six-acre town of Swett, South Dakota, for the low, low cost of $250,000. The town’s owner, Lance Benson, originally put the single-family town up for sale in June 2014, but after a series of failed agreements, lost ownership to a bank. Included in the package is the town’s tavern, a three-bedroom house and a closed tire shop. The town’s population never regained its ‘40s peak of 40 people and lost its post office and only bank years ago. The town’s tumbleweeds come free.