Dear Kelly March 20, 2014

Dear Kelly,

I know that a lot of people do plenty of soul searching over spring break, and many find out something really revealing about themselves. I’m no different, and I used my seven days of freedom to really explore who I am.

Unfortunately, what I found out was that I have a gambling problem, and that sometimes you shouldn’t double down on 11 — for instance, if doubling down means potentially losing the last $200 in your bank account.

It’s not very spiritual, but now I’m flat broke and need to make it through a couple weeks with roughly $2.24 in my bank account. How can I do this?

Help!

Broke from Black Jack

Dear Broke,

Being flat broke isn’t easy, but it’s possible to get by just fine with empty pockets for a couple of weeks. The key is self-control — so abstain from putting those last $2 into a bracket pool.

Here’s what you need to do: Take stock of what you have and figure out what you need to get. Buy eggs and hard-boil them, because you’re not going to be able to enjoy Chipotle anytime soon. Make friends with a freshman who has lots of market swipes and make that your study spot for the next week. This will ensure that you’re not spending and you have plenty to eat.

But mostly, just try to have as little fun as possible and seek help for your gambling problem. Think of it as making up for all the good laughs you had with the dealer who took all your money at that casino.

Good luck,

Kelly

Dear Kelly,

I know nothing about March Madness, and I seem to be one of the only ones on campus. All this talk about brackets, Syracuse and Jabari Parker has me constantly scratching my head and doing Google searches. How do I make it through this month without seeming like I’m socially impaired?

Sincerely, 

March Sadness

Dear March Sadness,

My heart goes out to you, because I can imagine that being totally ignorant of the goings-on of your school’s nationally lauded basketball program would be a little embarrassing. Luckily, there are precautions you can take to make sure nobody ever finds out.

First, cut off all contact with anyone who follows March Madness until it’s over. Yes, that includes your roommate, your significant other, your parents and so on. Sure, you’ll turn into a bit of a recluse, but at least you’ll preserve your dignity.

If you want to be prepared for an inevitable encounter with a college basketball enthusiast, I suggest filling out a bracket. If you don’t know how, resort to those Google searches you’re so familiar with and figure it out. Carry the bracket around and use it as a sort of conversational manual, inserting phrases like, “He has so much heart,” or, “That was an impressive crossover,” when talking about a specific player.

To make yourself seem even more knowledgeable, download sports news apps onto your smartphone and sign up for college basketball notifications. That way, every time Jabari Parker — a freshman forward for Duke, by the way — spits, you’ll know about it.

Wishing you luck,

Kelly