Editorial: Casual Friday

Gators gonna gate

Celebrating St. Patrick driving the snakes out of Ireland, authorities are trying to drive an alligator out of a woman’s house in Florida this week. Mary Thorn adopted the gator, named Rambo, 11 years ago, and has since become his closest ally. Thorn has made Rambo famous on social media and around their neighborhood by dressing him up in costumes and taking pictures of him in funny positions. But now that Rambo is nearing 6 feet long, he’s required by law to have a space of larger scale — 2.5 acres, to be exact. Even though Thorn has a license to own Rambo and has trained him, authorities are firm in their crocodenial that she can safely house him past his current size. Keeping an exotic pet clearly came back to bite her.

Yolk’s on you

You’ve got to break a few eggs to make an arrest warrant. Police in Euclid, Ohio, have arrested Jason Kozan for allegedly egging the house of a neighbor more than 100 times between May 2014 and June 2015. While it’s unclear what the 85-year-old neighbor did to egg on Kozan, who is 30, it’s clear that vandalism was a bit of an eggsageration. According to authorities, forensic analysis of egg shells have them scrambling to prove Kozan had committed the fowl crime. If Kozan really is guilty, here’s hoping the judge will not go over-easy on him.

Redfish

Russia is racing to fill its pod. The Russian military’s official website has uploaded a post requesting five bottlenose dolphins for unspecified military duties. While the female dolphins are being recruited primarily for breeding porpoises, it is possible that the male dolphins will actually be Putin the line of danger. The United States is the only other country in the world that has marine animals officially in its military, with 85 dolphins and 50 sea lions living at the naval base in San Diego. Hopefully there are no provocations that will turn this powder keg into a blowhole.

Old faceful

Ever have one of those days when you feel like you’ve been hit by an explosion of crap? Angela Wright has. The Baltimore woman was using her bathroom in November 2014 when suddenly her toilet became a geyser of fecal matter, blowing her across the room and causing $14,000 worth of damages. “I was literally covered in feces. Are you kidding me, who wants that?” Wright said to Fox 45 News. The explosion was caused by two city contractors — Heitkamp Incorporated and Spinello Companies — that were doing sewer work in Wright’s neighborhood. Wright is suing the city of Baltimore for $250,000. In unrelated news, there are rumors that Heitkamp and Spinello have begun development on an ejector seat project that will rely soly on natural fuel.

Nothing to snicker about

Surprisingly enough, Hamas just got a bit less nutty.  After a piece of plastic appeared in a Snickers bar, the Mars candy company launched a recall last month. On Thursday, Hamas leaders in Gaza, apparently fearing choking hazards more than the countless military arms surrounding them, ordered that 15 tons of the candy bars be doused in gasoline and set on fire. The boxes filled most of a large cavity, and a few hours later, thousands of calories were burned in the name of food safety. Hamas just isn’t itself when it’s hungry.