Theres no place like a Bernie rally

Just months after we thought we lost her for good, Dorothy, the Cathedral of Learning’s peregrine falcon, is back. And this time, she’s supporting democratic socialism.

Four months after the National Aviary announced the assumed death of the prestigious peregrine falcon, Dorothy smashed through the windows of the David Lawrence Convention Center to support presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders in his first Pittsburgh rally. Dorothy’s revitalization comes just a week after the death of her former mate E2, raising eyebrows and starting rumors about issues with the couple.

“Dorothy didn’t seem happy once E2 arrived. I should’ve known she was out looking for another mate, and not dead alone somewhere in the woods ,” Kate St. John, a Pittsburgh birdwatcher and former WQED director of information technology, said. “Never believe those pessimists.”

Even though the death of E2 wasn’t enough to bring her back, the arrival of a 74-year-old senator from Vermont seemed to spark Dorothy’s interest.

Just minutes into Sanders’ speech, which focused mainly on labor unions, Dorothy swooped to the podium, perched on the edge and gazed into Sanders’ eyes with her much smaller, beady eyes.

“I feel the Bern,” Dorothy squawked at Sanders, who paused and smiled. “Do you feel the bird?”

Dustin Thomson, a Pitt senior and Sanders supporter, said the exchange made him swoon.

“The two definitely had a connection,” Thomson said. “I was really shocked to see Dorothy again, too, because I thought she was like, dead.”

Not everyone welcomed her with open arms, though. According to local falcon photographer Jane Slavik, Dorothy’s return is insulting to the falcon’s fan community.

“We take pride in knowing where our birds are. We’re really happy to see her and all, but her reappearance leaves an ugly mark on our reputation,” Slavik said.

Though Dorothy’s body was never found, police determined her death in December 2015. It wasn’t until Sanders’ speech Thursday morning that Slavik and local police realized the Cathedral-dwelling bird is alive.

After a similar incident in Portland, where a small bird flew up and landed on his podium during a rally, the Sanders campaign is becoming widely known as a haven for birds of all kinds — chickadee, falcon or otherwise.

“These young people are asking, ‘Where are all these birds coming from?’” Sanders said. “The support they give is unprecendented, they always know how to make an entrance.”

As Sanders left the city for New York, sources say, a diverse flock of birds flew over his van, squawking all the way.

But Dorothy wasn’t one of them.

Just after Sanders’ security guards removed Dorothy from the podium Thursday morning, the falcon reunited with her Cathedral friends.

“We’re so glad she’s back,” Slavik said. “Our girl missed us, and we sure did miss her, too.”

This is a satirical story, part of the Pitt News’ annual April Fool’s edition.