Pitt puts salaries in temporary freezer

When Pennsylvania legislators held Pitt’s state funding hostage for eight months this year, University administrators took a hit where it counts: their wallets.

In response to the budget uncertainty last month, Chancellor Patrick Gallagher recommended that the Board of Trustees’ Compensation Committee freeze his salary and the salaries of six other senior administrators.

And thank God they did.

The University Times reported that the administrators, who are some of the highest paid employees at Pitt, would take an indefinite salary freeze until the state resolved the impasse.

Martha Bellmont, an adjunct English professor at Pitt and single mother, teaches two nonfiction writing classes a week and makes $24,000 annually. She said her gratitude for the nobility and altruism of senior administration knows no boundaries.

“Instead of slashing my salary, Gallagher and the rest took the loss upon themselves. Put quite simply, they are heroes,“ Bellmont said, folding her arms tightly to better fit into her 5-by-6 office. “Sure, I may still be without job security, but at least I know I can keep providing my children with at least two meals a day this year.”

The freezes affected Senior Vice Chancellor for Health Sciences and Dean of the School of Medicine Arthur Levine’s $847,500 salary, Gallagher’s $525,000 salary and Senior Vice Chancellor and Provost Patricia Beeson’s $420,000 salary.

In addition, the trustees froze Senior Vice Chancellor and Chief Financial Officer Arthur Ramicone’s $400,000 salary, Senior Vice Chancellor for Engagement and Chief of Staff Kathy Humphrey’s $395,000 salary and Senior Vice Chancellor and Chief Legal Officer Geovette Washington’s $395,000 salary.

“All I can say,” Bellmont said, “is thank you.”

At press time, Bellmont was seen in the University Bookstore measuring a clearance poster of the Cathedral of Learning to see if it would fit in her office.

This is a satirical story, part of the Pitt News’ annual April Fool’s edition.