Cathy confused by lack of catcalls

Watching students trickle out of its doors around 10 p.m. last Thursday as they headed home from a long day of class, schoolwork and club meetings, Pitt’s Cathedral of Learning realized it hadn’t been cat-called for an entire day.

Experts determined the inclement weather couldn’t have been the only reason the 535-foot tall building wasn’t met with Instagram posts, Snapchats and Facebook statuses calling it the “hottest building on campus,” or “bae.” Nicknamed Cathy, the iconic educational building typically goes through at least 15 catcalls each day, it said, a number that reaches hundreds on sunny days.

“Not a single suggestive stare or lewd comment. Not a single person comparing me to the male anatomy or commenting on my ‘curves,’” the building said.

On a typical day, Cathy said, the catcalling starts around sunrise with at least one student heading to an early morning class snapping a picture of the sun’s beams reflecting off of its limestone blocks and sharing it via Snapchat or any other host of social media platforms with a suggestive comment.

“At first, I convinced myself the catcalls were compliments,” Cathy said. “But after so many years, it makes me feel like less of a building — like the students only care about me for my looks and not because I’ve stood in the spirit of learning, honor and the free exchange of ideas for almost 100 years.”

For junior Sarah Willis, Cathy’s breakthrough, catcall-free day is the start of a conversation that’s needed to happen for years.

“Ever since I started at Pitt, I noticed that a lot of the students here — especially the men — don’t understand that sexualizing a building is diminishing to its architecture, its meaning,” Willis said. “It’s like they think Cathy’s just some phallic pile of bricks. Cathy is so much more.”

Willis said the catcalls are indicative of a bigger issue — a lack of respect for our buildings.

“Cathy deserves respect just like all the other buildings on campus,” Willis said. “You don’t see anyone catcalling Posvar or Hillman.”

Willis said she liked the way the Cathedral looked when she first saw the building, too, but that she expected more of Pitt students.

At press time, the Cathedral was still racking its archives trying to think of at least one instance of catcalling over the last day and couldn’t think of even an admiring glance or smile directed at it.

“Damn Cathy, looking good tonight, mmhmm,” a student called out.

“Ah, there it is,” the Cathedral said. “I spoke too soon.”

This is a satirical story, part of the Pitt News’ annual April Fool’s edition.