Pitt announces new tactic for tackling poor attendance

After numerous attempts to keep students at Heinz Field after the third quarter of football games, Pitt Athletics announced Thursday that it will try out a strapping new method.

Last year, to remedy the overwhelming exodus of student fans after “Sweet Caroline” during Panthers’ games at Heinz Field, Pitt left free snacks on the buses for students who stayed. This year, to save money, Pitt has decided to go with an alternative that will only cost thousands of dollars in student tuition money once, rather than every game.

After halftime, over-the-shoulder restraints will clamp down on every seat in the student section of Heinz Field, locking students in place until the game’s bitter end.

“The team really needs to see its fans in the stands, especially during those last crucial moments of play,” Pitt Athletic Director Scott Barnes said in a release. “If that means we have to literally lock those kids into the commitment, so be it. We’ll do anything for a win.”

According to E.J. Borghetti, spokesperson for Pitt Athletics, the snack tactic was more than just costly — it also just wasn’t cutting it for Panther fans.

“Kids kept complaining that the soda was flat and the off-brand pork rinds weren’t enough incentive to stay for a full game,” Borghetti said. He added, under his breath as he turned away, “This ought to teach them to be grateful.”

According to a release, fans who stay past the fourth quarter to cheer on maintenance staff as they brush hot dog buns out of the stands will also get complimentary photos of themselves taken at the most thrilling part of the game.

Students had mixed reactions to the announcement on Thursday.

“What?” first year Ronnie Benson said.

Sophomore Darlene Mullanovich said she usually stays until the end of the game anyway, but she’s concerned the new policy might be more restrictive than encouraging.

“What if we have to pee?” Mullanovich asked. “Like, how do I stand up and cheer? What if there’s a fire or something?”

Borghetti said he expects students to be responsible and use the bathrooms before halftime. Pitt spokesperson Ken Service said administration is still looking into fire-safety measures and could not comment at this time.

“Very rarely do we have a fire in the stadium,” Service said.

Shortly after the release, rumors began spreading on Twitter that the restraints may have malfunctioned during testing.

According to an anonymous source, Pitt athletics has been testing the seat restraints in one of the private engineering labs on campus.

One student research participant, who sat in the seat for the approximate length of two quarters of a game before being clamped in, said the restraint never unlocked, and he was stuck in the chair overnight.

“I don’t know why the researchers just left me in there. It was cold and dark,” the student said. “I thought I could hear the laughter of Pitt administrators in the distance, but I might have been hallucinating after about the eighth hour.”

This is a satirical story, part of The Pitt News’ annual April Fool’s edition.