Editorial: Give election an Attitude Adjustment

You’ve probably heard the yuge news by now, but Donald Trump’s campaign was a lie.

The campaign of the Republican party’s frontrunner Donald J. Trump is the meticulous work of World Wrestling Entertainment Chairman and CEO Vince McMahon, designed to appear as a legitimate race for the highest office in the United States, The Pitt News has learned through an investigation and dozens of interviews with campaign staffers and WWE employees. All along, Trump has actually been WWE superstar John Cena in disguise.

Combining the positive message of his character and “Trump’s” mountain of delegate votes, Cena is all but assured a win in both the primary and general elections. This is a great moment for the American people, and we must rally behind a new national message of positivity.

According to insiders who spoke under condition of anonymity, Cena kidnapped and replaced Trump during 2007’s Wrestlemania 23. The positivity of his on-screen character that we all know and love was perfectly suited to build a cover-up around. Nobody suspected that a bigoted Republican was actually the preacher of the hustle, loyalty, respect mantra and star of The Marine.

As the original Doctor of Thuganomics, Cena provides the perfect ideological replacement for Trump. Not only will he deliver attitude adjustments to each and every person backing his former alias, but he will ensure that Roman Reigns wins the WWE World Championship at Wrestlemania this Sunday.

While it was difficult to find a single positive thing to say about Trump’s treatment of anybody, Cena is the record holder for most Make-A-Wish requests filled.

Cena visits and performs in countries around the world all year, every year, so he has solid foreign policy experience. A decade ago, he starred in The Marine, providing him with a deep understanding of how the military functions. Cena’s demand that all future debates be converted to wrestling matches promotes health and vigor. Most importantly, Cena’s biggest fans are children. This is the best opportunity to engage young voters in years.

With Trump out of the way, we can all begin to forget the stain his fake campaign left on our country. No longer will we need to hear about banning Muslims from the country or the size of anyone’s hands — though it’s worth noting that Cena’s are massive.

We can finally breathe easy and unite behind the message Americans need to hear: Cena 2016. The country is saved. Happiness is abundant. Out with the microaggressions and terrible hats. In with sunshine, rainbows, kittens and — most importantly — Cena.

This is a satirical story, part of The Pitt News’ annual April Fool’s edition.