B.o.B. brings valuable perspectives

Fret not Pitt students. Even if Bill Nye is canceling his campus appearance, another of America’s foremost science educators will still visit Pitt — B.o.B.

While some Pitt students are excited to jam out to mega hits, such as “Airplanes” and “Magic” when B.o.B. performs at the University’s annual Bigelow Bash, others are more interested in his contributions to spreading the theory of a flat earth.

One such student is George Plembly, a sophomore historiography of the phenomenology of the philosophy of science major, who likes to see ideas that extend past the norm at Pitt.

“As a University, we need to have an open dialogue on all the issues and leave no stone unturned,” Plembly said. “I think B.o.B.’s thoughts on the curvature of the Earth will help pursue this goal of academic freedom.”

B.o.B, which is the stage name of the musical artist named Bobby Ray Simmons, recently made headlines by claiming on Twitter that he isn’t convinced by the evidence that the Earth is round.

“No matter how high in elevation you are … the horizon is always eye level … sorry cadets … I didn’t wanna believe it either,” the rapper said on the social media site.

These words remind Plembly of the path taken by some of history’s most illustrious minds.

“If my classes have taught me anything, it’s that today’s heretic is tomorrow’s visionary,” Plembly said. “If you are counter the popularly held opinion of your time, you have a 95 percent chance of being proven correct by history.”

B.o.B. is easily comparable to the most notable mathematicians and astronomers.

“Galileo, Copernicus, Halley — B.o.B. is just following in their footsteps,” Plembly continued.

“Plus,” he added, “I doubt any of them could freestyle like him.”

Junior genealogy major Apoorva Wentz also appreciated the addition of the genre spanning artist to Pitt’s spring concert.

“I’m glad to see Pitt take a stand for academic freedom and invite a Flat Earther to speak at Pitt,” Wentz said. “If you get offended by differing points of view, then I can’t say I think you’re qualified to be on a college campus.”

Overhearing Wentz’s comments, fellow Pitt student Yancy Osurac, a first-year intending to major in physics, biology and chemistry, joined the interview taking place outside Hillman Library.

“Well, I don’t think you should be allowed on this campus if you believe such hurtful things about the Earth,” Osurac said. “As someone who is dedicating my life to science, this one counter-argument is completely invalidating everything I’ve ever done!”

B.o.B. ignited outrage with his provocative ideas concerning the Earth, which may be exactly what this campus needs.

Some against B.o.B’s opinions have managed to remain calm in face of the invitation.

Contacted via seance, Eratosthenes of Cyrene, widely credited with using basic geometry, a sundial and a slave to calculate the circumference of the Earth in the second century BC, was not shocked at all by B.o.B.’s statements.

“There will always be doubters of every great change in thought,” Eratosthenes said. “If they refuse to recognize the truth, let them live in the darkness of their own ignorance.”

After some thought, though, the caretaker of Alexandria’s Library reconsidered somewhat.

“I mean, yes, it takes more than a pea brain to pull your thoughts outside yourself and realize that knowledge doesn’t have to come from your own experience to be valid,” Eratosthenes said. “But that doesn’t mean I’ll fault him for it.”

“Hell, me and the very intelligent Mr. [Issac] Newton have great talks on physics and astronomy a lot, but he still believes he could find a way to turn anything into gold,” the Greek polymath said, referring to the English scientist who single-handedly created the basis of modern physics and was also an alchemist.

But for senior marketing major Henrietta van Schwenk, her concerns for Bigelow Bash were much less philosophical.

“I really thought, for my last Bash, my student activities fee would pay for someone who wasn’t already stale four years ago,” she said.

Stephen Caruso is a senior columnist at The Pitt News. He mainly writes on economic and social issues. 

Write to him at stephencaruso23@gmail.com.

This is a satirical story, part of The Pitt News’ annual April Fool’s edition.