Dear Kelly – Feb. 20, 2014

Dear Kelly,

Recently, Flappy Bird — the game that gave me a reason to get up in the morning — was removed from the app store, and incidentally, I broke my phone this past week, meaning there is no Flappy Bird for me. I’d like to purchase one of the phones being marketed online that has Flappy Bird installed on it, but they cost thousands of dollars, and I’m broke. What should I do?

Flappy

Dear Flappy, 

If you want to play Flappy Bird without paying thousands of dollars for a new phone, here are some suggestions. 

First, there are many other games on the market that are similar to Flappy Bird. If it’s the bird aspect of the game you enjoy, I would suggest Angry Birds. It’s still widely available and won’t make you want to throw your phone against a wall when you score a three.

If it isn’t the birds you enjoy, but the idea of a moving screen and having to dodge obstacles, might I suggest the classic game Helicopter. It satisfies the same desires as Flappy Bird once did without ripping off the graphics of Super Mario Bros.

My final, and probably best, replacement for Flappy Bird can’t be found in the app store. I would suggest getting a life. These can be found by putting down your phone and going outside and doing something other than playing an annoyingly frustrating game with an electronic bird, like hanging out with other people. The company will probably do you some good. 

Hope this helps! 

Kelly

Dear Kelly, 

I enjoy sleeping in, and my roommate insists on spoiling all of the Olympic events for me before I can watch the recordings I’ve made. This was all well and good when it was just the United States-Russia men’s hockey game, but he also ruined the United States-Canada men’s curling showdown — a serious offense. How can I get him to stop?

Sincerely, 

Frustrated Curling Fan

Well, Frustrated Curling Fan, a few thinly veiled threats might not go amiss. Perhaps you could hint to him that, if he reveals the biathlon results, his pet gerbil might suddenly disappear. Don’t kill the poor thing, for heaven’s sake, just hold it in your room as a, “political prisoner.” Maybe his autographed poster of The Rock ends up on eBay or his copy of “The Rundown” goes missing. 

If the spoiling persists, take his girlfriend out for a nice meal of caviar and vodka after replacing all of his Easy Mac with beets. He should get the message. If not, try a good old-fashioned arms race. He wants to spoil the Olympics? Fine. Spoil the second season of “House of Cards” for him. Revealing the end of the first episode should result in his unconditional surrender.

Good luck, comrade,

Kelly