Dear Kelly- Feb. 27, 2014

Dear Kelly,

It’s been insanely cold this winter, and I’m sick of it, so I’m leaving for spring break a week early. Unfortunately, this doesn’t seem to fit into the plans of my professors, who insist that I make my corporeal presence felt in their classrooms. I need an escape plan — a way to keep my professors in the dark while I sip a margarita on South Beach. Got any clever ideas?

Sincerely,

Spring Breaking Free

Dear Breaking Free,

This is quite the conundrum, and the most sensible suggestion — that you suck it up and go to class like the rest of us — is probably the one you’d like to hear the least. Still, I’ll take a crack at your problem.

The key to your particular issue is deceit. Namely, you’ll be worse off lying to your professors and being found out than you will just skipping class. So any complex ploy is out; it’s simply too risky.

Instead, be bold. Show up to class with your bags packed, wearing your fanciest, sharpest duds. Nonchalantly tell your professor that you’re leaving for a week to “take care of something,” and offer to send in your work via e-mail. Maintain an air of cool, but above all else, be vague. Perhaps they’ll assume that you moonlight as a spy, or you’re interning with a hitman. The point is that you won’t be lying, and that’s your best bet.

Good luck,

Kelly

Dear Kelly,

Mother Nature is really messing with me this year. Because of the weekend’s spring-like weather, I cut all of my jeans into jorts. Now, with the onslaught of cold, I realize my decision was remarkably premature, and people are laughing at my shivering, bare legs. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Cold and Upset

Dear Cold and Upset,

I feel your pain, and I am here to help.

The first thing I would do is try to reconstruct your jorts back into jeans. If you saved the material, try to sew the legs back onto the sheared bottoms of your jorts, creating perfectly usable, but possibly misshapen, jeans.

If you’re not the best seamster, you have another option: own your new look. You said that people are laughing at your bare legs, but I assume this is because you have coupled your jorts with a winter jacket. From now on, limit your wardrobe to jorts, hoodies and sneakers. You’ll appear immune to the dropping temperatures, and everyone will assume you are just weird instead of improperly dressed. Learn to repeat phrases like, “It’s not that cold,” and, “Oh, I didn’t notice it was below zero degrees today.” It’s all about selling it.

If those two options do not appeal to you, simply wear pajama pants every day and, if someone asks, constantly claim that you were working on a project late last night. If you continue to receive questions, just say that you clearly are a harder worker than the other person, and storm away with a Red Bull in your hand.

Best of luck,

Kelly