Dear Kelly: February 6, 2014

Dear Kelly,

I regularly find myself in allegedly quiet areas of the library with a fellow studier projecting music from their headphones at an obnoxious volume. How can I convey my annoyance without having to directly communicate with them, as I fear I may descend into expletives?

Yours hopefully,

OnTheBrinkOfMakingAScene

Dear OnTheBrinkOfMakingAScene,

What you are asking for is a quick 101 in the art of passive aggression. Fortunately, you have come to the right place.

In an age of impersonal technologies   — texting, social networking, etc. — we’re gradually losing the ability to express how we feel without using 140 characters or emoticons. Therefore, you’re going to need to be a little extravagant with your gesticulations. So maybe limber up in advance.

Firstly, I suggest what is known in the trade as the “where’s that sound coming from?” face. Furrow your eyebrows dramatically, giving your best confused look, and then look around as if your eyes are following a fly around the room. Maybe mouth, “Can you hear that?” a few times to people around you, pointing at your ears for emphasis. Unless the violator is inhumanly ignorant, then this should be successful.

If not, then it may be appropriate to crack out the notorious “Solo Flash Dance Mob.” Granted, the name is slightly paradoxical, but essentially this involves busting out some eye-catching moves that match the music leaking from the perpetrator’s headphones. The beauty of this technique is that if at first you don’t succeed, then simply move a little closer. To ensure that the offender learns a valuable lesson in peer respect, dance as close as possible without encroaching on lap-dance territory.

Good luck in your musical crime fighting,

Kelly.

Dear Kelly,

I’ve braved out my New Year’s resolution into February! Now that we’re past those gosh darn resolution crowds at the Petersen Events Center gym, I thought that all my troubles would be over. I was wrong. The other day, I spotted a Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson look-alike with a tiny little cut-up T-shirt to show off his biceps, shoulders and muscular veins. It looked frightening, but good. Where could I get my hands on one of these “Rock” look-alikes (or just the T-shirt)?

Sincerely,

February Rock-Fan Gym User

Dear February Rock,

While I can’t endorse the kidnapping or purchasing of one of these Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson look-alikes, I can give you some tips for carving out a winning workout shirt.

It all starts with that old and undesirable T-shirt at the bottom of your dresser drawer, a pair of sharp shears and a burgeoning confidence that screams, “Yes, I too can look like The Rock!” Once you’ve acquired all the necessary materials (believe me, coming up with decent scissors will be the toughest), it’s time to decide what kind of modified T-shirt best fits your needs.

No matter what, the sleeves have to go. Depending on your personal preference, you can decide whether or not to extend this snipping spree down the sides of your T-shirt, leaving gaping holes for maximum air flow, mobility and torso exposure.

If you’re simply in it for the fashion, might I suggest spinning and twirling what little is left of your sleeves into thin, tight straps?  This will help illuminate your own “muscular veins.”

Even if you can’t get your hands on your own personal The Rock, hopefully these suggestions can at least bring you one step closer to looking like him.

Be safe out there, 

Kelly.