Dear Kelly January 23

Dear Kelly,

I’m a hungry college junior who no longer has a meal plan and has spent all of his money on textbooks. I long for the olden days, when I could just go to Market Central and eat omelette after omelette until my hunger pains dissipated. How can I return to those days of my youth?

Please help,

Starving for the good old days

Dear Starving,

Luckily for you, I have schmoozed my way into Market countless times and plan to continue doing so well after my graduation. 

If, however, you are not blessed with a charming smile and devilish good looks as I am, you still have a lot of options on the table. A safe choice with high results is asking an unsuspecting freshman at the perfect time. 

Begin by standing by the Market swipe-in station and start scouting your options. I find that a small, somewhat meek-looking member of the opposite sex usually makes for the best target. As they walk down the stairs, make your move. Either begin a casual conversation, or (depending on your charm and looks, as mentioned above) be overtly flirtatious. Seem extremely interested in the person, and eventually lead into, “Can you swipe me in?” As soon as you have secured a yes, there is no need for this lonely freshman any longer, and you are free to roam Market as you wish.  

If you are too creepy to pull this off, there are still some other options. Maybe you or one of your friends know an underclassman from high school whose mother insisted on buying them unlimited swipes. 

In a dire situation, you can always stand at the top of the Market steps and yell and beg until someone feels sorry enough to swipe you in (or does so just so you will shut up). 

Dear Kelly,

My favorite pizza place closed, and now I’m left hungry and lost. What should I do?

Scarface

Dear Scarface,

No worries. Fortunately for you, Oakland finds itself amid a sea of $5 pizzerias.

Let’s start with Pizza Romano. Certainly, they have more selection than the typical Oakland pizzeria. However, if you are like most students, you aren’t content waiting more than six seconds for your pizza, so scratch that.

Then there’s Antoon’s, every Pitt student’s favorite place to buy pizza in the wee hours of the night. If your idea of a good pizza is one so doused in ranch that you can’t taste the pizza itself, this is the place for you.

Now if you ever find yourself craving an early morning pizza — which, let’s face it, happens to all of us — the pizza bagels at Einstein Bros. Bagels are the way to go. Whether it is in Posvar or Benedum, just prepare to spend the rest of your life in line.

At the end of the day, though, remember this: A $5 pizza is a $5 pizza. Set your expectations accordingly.

Have a question for Kelly? E-mail aeeditors@gmail.com with the subject line “Dear Kelly.”