Top 10: Things To Do If You’re Single On Valentine’s Day

Stare out a rain-streaked window

We recommend finding a large, spacious window. Maybe one in Cathy, if you can. Take out a faded Polaroid photo of an old flame, and sigh every once in awhile. When people ask if something’s wrong, just say “nothing, I’m fine” and go back to staring out that window.

Brush up on your mating calls to avoid this embarrassment next year

Are you familiar with the call of the Japanese bush warbler? How about the sac-winged bat? Are you more of a bawling howler monkey or a whining tungara frog? These are the guttural sounds you need to perfect.

Alphabetize all of your past rejections

Start with the freshest rejection texts, then go back through all the snubs you received in high school via note. If you can remember the times you were verbally spurned, write them down. You’ll want to keep the collection organized so you can whip them out at a moment’s notice at your next pity party.

Cut up old magazines and send a ransom note/love letter to your TA

There’s nothing more romantic, is there? It’s probably a good idea to send to multiple TAs, just in case it freaks one or two of them out. Statistically, you’re guaranteed to find love.

Go to the bar

If you’re more of the wallowing type, the dingy and deserted atmosphere of a bar on Valentine’s Day is sure to do the trick. Meet us at Hems by 10 p.m. We’ll be the ones in the back with beer pitchers full of scotch. But we’re going to ask for gummy worms, too. You know, to spice things up.

Make reservations at a fancy restaurant for next Valentine’s Day

Not because you’ll have a date then. No, no, no. It’s so you can sell those reservations to the poor-planning suckers who need one next year and turn a profit.

Say Beetlejuice three times

Beetlejuice will show up so you won’t be alone anymore. Added bonus: you get to hang out with Michael Keaton. What better Valentine’s Day could you want? Unfortunately, he’ll probably be wearing the creepy makeup.