- Stare out a rain-streaked window
We recommend finding a large, spacious window. Maybe one in Cathy, if you can. Take out a faded Polaroid photo of an old flame, and sigh every once in awhile. When people ask if something’s wrong, just say “nothing, I’m fine” and go back to staring out that window.
- Brush up on your mating calls to avoid this embarrassment next year
Are you familiar with the call of the Japanese bush warbler? How about the sac-winged bat? Are you more of a bawling howler monkey or a whining tungara frog? These are the guttural sounds you need to perfect.
- Alphabetize all of your past rejections
Start with the freshest rejection texts, then go back through all the snubs you received in high school via note. If you can remember the times you were verbally spurned, write them down. You’ll want to keep the collection organized so you can whip them out at a moment’s notice at your next pity party.
- Cut up old magazines and send a ransom note/love letter to your TA
There’s nothing more romantic, is there? It’s probably a good idea to send to multiple TAs, just in case it freaks one or two of them out. Statistically, you’re guaranteed to find love.
- Go to the bar
If you’re more of the wallowing type, the dingy and deserted atmosphere of a bar on Valentine’s Day is sure to do the trick. Meet us at Hems by 10 p.m. We’ll be the ones in the back with beer pitchers full of scotch. But we’re going to ask for gummy worms, too. You know, to spice things up.
- Make reservations at a fancy restaurant for next Valentine’s Day
Not because you’ll have a date then. No, no, no. It’s so you can sell those reservations to the poor-planning suckers who need one next year and turn a profit.
- Say Beetlejuice three times
Beetlejuice will show up so you won’t be alone anymore. Added bonus: you get to hang out with Michael Keaton. What better Valentine’s Day could you want? Unfortunately, he’ll probably be wearing the creepy makeup.
- Get some “alone” time
You know what we mean.
- Become a martyr
Then people have to love you — it’s church law. Did somebody say “loophole?”
- Come to The Pitt News office.
Please. We’re all lonely, and we’re all single.