Top 10: St. Patrick’s Day Facts

You probably think you know the gist of ole St. Patty’s Day — shamrocks, wearing green, Ireland, all that jazz. But there’s more to it than that, historically. We did our research this week and dug up a few lesser-known facts about St. Patrick’s Day, some also revolving around shamrocks, wearing green and Ireland, but with a bit of a twist. Please don’t fact-check us on any of these.

10. St. Patrick gained his sainthood with the miracle of turning beer from gold to green.

This is the reason we annually turn city rivers from brown to green. This miracle also acts as a reference to Jesus turning water into wine, but you tell us which one seems more miraculous.

9. The luck of the Irish actually comes from exposure to the Blarney Stone, which emits radiation.

The more you know! Feel free to use this fact as a pickup line tonight.

8. St. Patrick actually drove the snakes out of Ireland because he’d never seen a snake before.

Can you believe it? He just kinda freaked out and went overboard. We think everyone can understand though. How would you react if you saw a fanged, boneless assassin slithering through the grass for the first time? He almost did the same thing when he first saw a squirrel. What a holiday that would be.

7. There’s no way to know if Ireland is real.

None of us have ever been there and we’re just a bunch of ethnocentric millennial Americans. We’re more inclined to believe in the lost city of Atlantis before Ireland. All those pictures of lush green fields? Could be Portland. We’re not convinced.

6. St. Patrick’s Day should actually be associated with the color blue.

But one color-blind guy messed it up back in, like, 1780 and now everyone just wears green.

5. The Shamrock Shake was originally invented in Ireland, and Ronald McDonald stole it while on holiday there.

Well, normally we would be mad at McDonald’s for such a crime, but those shakes are a gift to us all, so who are we to complain?

4. The three leaves on a shamrock stand for the holy trinity: Joe, Kevin and Nick Jonas.

For hundreds of years, the Irish worshipped the holy trinity, the Jonas Brothers. Every so often, a four leaf clover will appear — that’s just Frankie, the Bonus Jonas. I’m pretty sure they’re part Irish.

3. We pinch people who don’t wear green.

Because people who aren’t wearing green on St. Patty’s Day are living the dream of not celebrating St. Patty’s Day and therefore must be swiftly pulled out of their reverie.

2. The traditional Irish jig was started by people rhythmically kicking snakes.

You’d be surprised by how many cultural dance traditions originated from the sheer instinct to survive. Don’t get us started on clogging.

1. “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” shirts were invented by a Portuguese grandmother.

It’s a scam, sure, but that old lady and her entire family are filthy rich now. What’re you going to do? Con women gonna con.