Top 10: Questions for the new host of ‘Pitt Tonight’

Pitt students were treated to an inevitable surprise this week: the announcement of the new face of “Pitt Tonight,” the campus variety show modeled after late-night talk shows. Current host and senior Jesse Irwin will give up his desk to first-year Andrew Dow starting next fall. You probably have questions concerning the new host, and so do we, the people who will eventually write for his show and the hard-hitting journalists who will cover him. Here are ten questions we have for the next host of “Pitt Tonight.”

10. If you had a spice rack, what ten spices would you choose to put on it?

This will tell us a lot about Andrew. Is he more of a spicy or sweet kind of guy? If he mentions nutmeg, cinnamon and clove, then we will most definitely be expecting impeccably well-seasoned treats on a daily basis.

9. Oreo or Double Stuf Oreo?

This question will include a brief demonstration of his eating and dunking preferences. Also: no third party write-in answers allowed. We don’t care how much you like the pumpkin spice or the birthday cake flavors — we only care about the real deal.

8. In your Facebook Live appearance Wednesday, you said you “plan to rule with an iron fist” and “would rather be feared than loved” where the marketing department is concerned. What does that mean?

Does this fierce outlook apply to the other sections of the show as well? As host, you will be asked to answer for your positions.

7. Have you ever been convicted of a felony?

We know they don’t do background checks at “Pitt Tonight,” so we just want to have all the information before you get up there.

6. If a tree falls in the woods and nobody is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

Follow-up question: If it does make a sound, is it similar to the sound that we make when we’re sneaking downstairs for snacks late at night?

5. Do you promise to put all of your assets into a blind trust when you become host?

We here at “Pitt Tonight” and The Pitt News are extremely worried about trickle-down embezzlement. Just because President Trump can do it doesn’t mean you can, Andrew.

4. Is this a mole or a second belly button?

Asking for a friend.

3. What is your stance on Syrian President Bashar Al-Assad’s use of chemical weapons on people in his own country?

Feel free to come back to this question, it’s a tough one.

2. Hey, buddy, you wanna buy a watch?

Some of us have resorted to moonlighting as ornate watch salespeople to put ourselves through college. It’s not the best gig, but it pays. Plus, if you start selling, you get a free trenchcoat. Well, it’s a uniform, but it’s still free and you get to keep it.

1. Are you going to leave us like that other guy?

What was his name — Jeffrey Irweiner? Anyway, just don’t tease us along for the next three years.