Eckroate: Surprisingly, reckless manslaughter not the best topic for Christmas

Whether it’s a traditional carol or a popular favorite from a movie, from now until 2013, we’ll all be singing some sort of holiday tune. As a means of infiltrating our lives even more, just about every single store in the country is playing these songs with the “repeat all” setting selected.

Some Christmas carols are secular, and others are not. There has to be one song that just makes you happy, taking you back to those blustery days of building snowmen in the yard or the delicious holiday meals shared at grandpa’s.

But there are some songs that are just inexcusably bad. They deserve to be removed from the mall’s holiday playlist.

Take, for instance, the classic “We Wish You a Merry Christmas.” It’s the epitome of repetition. Just hum the theme. Just say the words.

Also, the message: Carolers have appeared at your door, seemingly out of Christmas spirit. But alas, they now demand figgy pudding.

First of all, I have no idea what is in figgy pudding. Second of all, after consulting Food Network, I have none of the necessary ingredients to create this odd substance. So if you really “won’t go until we get some,” you’ll have to wait for me to drive to the store, buy the ingredients and then sit for another hour and a half, as dictated by the estimated cooking time.

So much for holiday spirit! Can’t you just wish me “merry Christmas” and “happy New Year’s” without expecting something in return from me? This is impolite, at best.

Let’s try to think of a lovely dinner with grandparents. Cue “Over the River and Through the Woods.” We’re traveling in a horse-drawn sleigh through a snowy forest. Aren’t there any roads that lead to grandma’s? As picturesque as this method is, the wind is stinging — are we actively trying to acquire frostbite here? I prefer the heated seats of my father’s SUV, thanks.

Instead of this treacherous route to grandma’s, maybe it’s just easier for you to host dinner on Christmas Eve. Everything goes well, until something happens that only you and grandpa witness. “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.”

This is such a violent and sad Christmas song. Grandma meets an untimely death after drinking too much eggnog and stumbling into the snow for her medication, which I’m sure wouldn’t have mixed well, anyway. Her forehead marked with hoof prints, the family’s only concern is whether or not to send back grandma’s unopened presents.

We’ve officially moved into irreverent territory. The combination of a brutal involuntary manslaughter and a lack of respect for the departed is one that should never be associated with this season.

Personally, I would prefer getting run over by a reindeer to hearing the dreaded synthesizer intro to “Wonderful Christmastime.” Rather than sugarplums, visions of bad ’80s attire and cheap visual effects are the only things dancing in my head. Just watch the music video. Nothing says the holidays like morphing constellations and floating torsos dressed as angels, right?

All I want for Christmas is never to hear that song again. Speaking of, why would anyone write an entire song about his or her dream of receiving two front teeth for Christmas? Why are those front teeth so coveted? For tongue twisters and whistling, apparently.

Let me tell you something. Nobody likes tongue twisters, anyway. Whistling isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be: I can barely whistle and my two front teeth are intact. My life is unchanged.

Other useless Christmas wishes include hippopotami. “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas?” Why on earth would you? They are unattractive creatures. I can only assume that, with all of the Christmas festivities, the hippo would feel threatened, and that’s where the danger starts. The hippo is considered Africa’s most dangerous creature, killing nearly three thousand humans annually.

But the final straw for me is the wretched “chingedy-ching” associated with “Dominick the Donkey.” The song tells the story of a donkey who, with better agility than that of a reindeer, can deliver Christmas presents through the hills of Italy. At first it’s precious: a much less noble creature filling in for the ever-popular reindeer.

Then the chorus comes in. The words “hee-haw,” as in Dominick’s braying, litter the tune with noise reminiscent of the barnyard. Though the song barely lasts three minutes, the cringe-worthy “hee-haw” will haunt you for hours afterward, rendering this song the absolute worst of the bunch.

Before you continue to click through your own playlists of Christmas songs, consider what you’re listening to first. Is it about an animal? Is it evoking an awful mental image? Think again. Hopefully these sad excuses for holiday music haven’t become stuck in your head.

Share your least favorites with Claire at ceckroate@gmail.com.