Satire | Movies to watch on a first date

Lovers and weirdos, friends and people I say I’ll hang out with but never do — have you ever been on a date with a man? If you’re into that kind of thing, I bet you have, you gorgeous human. And perhaps you’ve sat a safe 4 feet apart on a couch and booted up Netflix, only to freeze at the variety of options available.

What sets a good mood for a first date? What movie will be light enough to keep good vibes flowing, but not so chill that his reactions fish out some red flags? You need a film that elicits laughs and gasps. Those physical reactions can tell you a lot about the person you’ve chosen to bring to your mom’s house while she’s at a couples therapy retreat with that guy Ted for the weekend.

Luckily for you, I’ve compiled a selection of films that will clue you in to whether or not your date is a misogynist. He may not think you deserve the right to vote, but how can you figure that out without asking him outright?

The movies, that’s how. Take note on whether or not he laughs during certain scenes, if his eyes light up, if he tries to scoot closer to you after a sexist joke. These very cues can save you headaches and Advil down the line.

1. “The Breakfast Club” 

As a classic, this is an easy film to suggest. It hints that you’re nostalgic, trendy and a bit traditional. Look for your man’s reaction to the scene where John looks up Claire’s skirt and touches her without her consent. When Allison says, “If you say you haven’t, you’re a prude. If you say you have, you’re a slut,” does your date nod in sympathetic agreement? Or does he snort and say that all women are promiscuous, even his betta fish?

2. “Revenge of the Nerds”

During or after the film, ask your man — what did you think of that scene with the mask, the case of mistaken identity during sex? Have any thoughts on that? If he continues to shovel Cheetos into his mouth hole, mumbling around them that consent is a theoretical useless idea perpetuated by Russian alien SJWs, you should definitely not go on date number two. Don’t even think about it.

3. “Shrek” 

This doesn’t have anything to do with uncovering hidden misogyny, but if he doesn’t love this monumental, groundbreaking work of cinematic art, he’s dead to you.

4. “American Psycho”

Maybe you’re not into teen films or comedies or “Shrek.” Maybe you want something darker. In that case, watch director Mary Harron turn a misogynistic novel into a satirical film trashing toxic masculine violence. If, after the film, your date says that he admires Bateman’s character and wishes he were as suave as him, run. It’s really that simple. If your man can’t tell the difference between displaying misogyny and advocating for misogyny, nudge him toward a good gender studies class. He can fulfill a gen ed.

5. “Fifty Shades of Grey” 

Oh, you invited him over to Netflix and chill. Before you start to chill, get through at least the first half-hour of “Fifty Shades” just to make sure he’s a safe bet. If he doesn’t bristle at the obsessive, controlling actions of one Christian Grey, yet also acknowledges the appeal of the traditionally feminine fantasy of a decisive, well-groomed partner, he isn’t the one. A solid date should be able to acknowledge the reality of holding two contradictory viewpoints at once. If he thinks that kind of “higher thinking” is solely a man’s arena, save the handcuffs for a lover of Simone de Beauvoir.

We all make mistakes when inviting someone over from Tinder. Or that guy from math class. Or that guy who works at Starbucks with the nice arms and the face. But with these movie suggestions, you can find out in two hours or less whether or not you should be concerned for your personal safety.

Thanks, Netflix!