Editorial: Top 10 reasons not to leave your house

It’s cold in Pittsburgh, and we haven’t seen the sun since 2008. We’re six months behind on sleep and we’re hiding from the professor whose class we dropped. We don’t really need a reason not to leave our houses, but it’s always nice to have an extra excuse or two hiding up our sleeves. These are our top 10 reasons not to leave your house. Thank us later.

10. Rain

If you decide to leave your house, and you walk past the Amos Hall Starbucks, just make sure it isn’t during a downpour. There’s a nice pothole that you don’t want to be lollygagging by, especially when a bus drives through it at full speed. And you thought being splashed by a bus only happened in movies.

9. Laundry

We know someone who didn’t wash a single pair of jeans one semester. But sometimes, you can’t put laundry off any longer. Actually, you can — by not leaving your house.

8. Dishes

We’ve all had a passive-aggressive roommate who complains that nobody does the dishes but also never does their own dishes. Just take a day off, stay home and fight it out with them.

7. Weighted blanket 

Have you ever tried to get out from under one? We found physics less complicated. 

6. Group work day 

In life, there are only three guarantees — death, taxes and deriving absolutely no pleasure from professors who sort you into groups for coursework. Just stay in bed.

5. Lost keys 

Well, if you can’t find your keys, you can’t get back into your house. For your own safety, you should therefore not leave. But you might want to check your wrists and pockets. Just a suggestion that once helped … a friend. 

4. Vomit 

All South Oakland residents do is cry about homework, scream into the early hours of the morning and dodge vomit on the sidewalk. Dodge the vomit right in front of your front porch stairs by simply not leaving your house until it rains again. 

3. Packages 

The Amazon Locker is great. You order your packages and pick them up there, ensuring the safety of the books you had to take out a mortgage to own. Except Amazon Locker doesn’t work for books that we buy reused — which are also the only books we can afford — so therefore, do not leave the house until the packages arrive. 

2. Sheer distance

If you think we’re going to travel from the far side of the Boulevard to campus for a Sunday meeting when the 93 is out of service, you’re wrong. But we applaud the optimism. 

1. Construction

Instead of walking 15 feet to catch the 10A from Cathy, you now have to walk 20 feet, thanks to the construction on Bigelow. Not worth it. Also, the Chevron stairs are closed, which means upper campus is essentially another country. And we’re too broke from tuition to buy a ticket out.