Satire | Sleeping around — what different majors are like in bed

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to sleep with that cute guy you always make eye contact with in your gen ed class? How about that girl from your chemistry lab? You know, the one who always looks amazing even though it’s 9 p.m. and, well, a chem lab? Well, wonder no more! While you probably don’t know what kind of lover they are, I’m confident that you probably know what they’re majoring in. Before you hop into bed with anybody new, consult this list to see if they’re even worth your time. 

Communications

If you’re looking for someone to talk dirty to you all night long, then a communications major is your ideal lover. Since their major is essentially dedicated to learning how to effectively convey information to a diverse audience, it makes sense they’d be a good communicator in bed. And hey, communication is key, right?

Nursing

Nursing majors are perfectly adequate in bed, maybe even good. I’d say all their practice with bedside manner turns them into attentive, gentle lovers. The only downside to sleeping with a nursing major is that you’ll wake up at 5 a.m. when their alarm goes off to wake them up for clinicals.

Biology/pre-med

While you might be tempted to hookup with a bio major — I know it’s convenient, especially since it sometimes seems like bio is the only major we have at Pitt, just like the only place Pitt students come from is outside of Philly — I would strongly advise against it. It seems that their intense knowledge of the way life functions and their important medical aspirations have left them with a strangely distanced and almost medical approach to sex. 

Engineering

If you can convince an engineering major to leave Benedum long enough to get them into bed with you, I will be seriously impressed. With their busy schedules and impossibly challenging course work, it’s a wonder they have time to breathe, let alone have sex. However, with their knowledge about … whatever engineers know … they’re probably pretty all right in bed.

Neuroscience

Rest assured that if you sleep with a neuroscience major, it will be nothing more than a hookup. Chances are they’re just trying to distract themselves from the insanity of their classes. That being said, if you’re into casual sex and want a fun night with no strings attached, go on Tinder and find yourself a neuroscience major. 

Psychology

If you have daddy issues, then you should definitely sleep with a psychology major. They’ll be able to psychoanalyze you all night, and maybe help you get to the bottom of some of your deep-seated childhood trauma. Alternatively, you could just go to therapy and save yourself a disappointing hookup.

Environmental Studies/Science

Let me be real with you. Environmental studies and science majors are quite possibly the best lovers you will ever find. Nothing compares to the passion and dedication these students have in their hearts, and their astute powers of observation — keenly honed from hours of identifying miscellaneous rocks and minerals — make them very attuned to their partner’s needs in the bedroom. I know I haven’t given any other major a numerical rating, but students who study environmental studies and science have earned a 10/10. And no, I am not biased at all. I don’t know why you would think that. No way.

Business

For now, let’s pretend there aren’t subsects of the business school and condense everything into one, nondescript major. Business majors are forever the subject of jokes about how easy their classes are and how little work they have to do. Fortunately for the business major, this leaves them plenty of free time, making it likely that they are highly experienced in the bedroom. Unfortunately, their sex may tend to feel transactional, possibly because they’re thinking about that macroeconomics exam they have on Thursday. 

Math

Allow me to simplify all mathematics majors — I think there’s multiple? How many kinds of math are there? — into one, all-knowing math major just for laughs. This all-encompassing major is perfectly fine in bed, maybe even better than some of the previously mentioned majors — it must be the fact that you know they know how to add and subtract. Plus, if you sleep with a math major, you might be able to get them to help you with your calculus homework.

Film

If you want to reenact your favorite steamy scene from film, you should absolutely sleep with a film major. Tell them how much you loved the sex scene from “Atonement” — you know, the one in the library with Keira Knightley and James McAvoy — and chances are that they’ll agree and do their best to make your fantasies come true. However, if you’re not looking to have movie-inspired sex, you might not want to sleep with a film major. I’m pretty sure they don’t know how to do much else. 

English

An English major is a safe bet for a hookup, or a long term sexual thing. It might be a little strange at first, as they might say some words you’ve never heard before, but such is life when you have sex with someone who reads a lot. The good news about sleeping with an English major is that when you wake up in their bed in the morning and have to wait, like, an hour and a half for them to wake up, and you can’t reach your phone because it’s on the opposite nightstand, and you don’t want to crawl across the bed to get it for fear of waking them up, you can just roll over and read the titles of the 80 books on their shelf.

Paige Lawler writes primarily about environmental policy and politics for The Pitt News. This is her first and probably only satirical piece. Tell her if you think she’s funny at pml36@pitt.edu