Satire | COVID-19 bros to avoid

March was a lonely time and April may only get worse. The worldwide COVID-19 pandemic has affected every facet of our lives thus far, taking away toilet paper and the ability to get laid without worrying about a deadly disease on top of STIs.

The biggest dangers in the dating scene right now are changing phenotypes of The Bros. The Dudes, quite literally, are deadlier now. If you’re wasting your pandemic away on Tinder, Bumble, Grindr, or, God forbid, Match.com, keep your eyes peeled for fellas you definitely don’t want to associate with. I’m telling ya, if he has a pickup line in his bio about ‘breaking the 6-foot guideline,’ run for the hills. You’ll be safer there anyway. No people. No bros. If you’re searching for love during the COVID-19 pandemic (safely on apps, hopefully) here are some bros to avoid like, well, the plague. 

Mr. Not Clean

He hadn’t heard of soap before this, and although he’s aware of its presence now, he’s changed nothing about his lifestyle. Deodorant habits dubious, Mr. Not Clean used to be annoying — you have to move to the other end of the lecture hall, he reeks so bad — but now he’s a walking biohazard. He’ll lick Cheeto dust off his fingers and then put his arm around your shoulders (in the imaginary scenario where he’s found someone who can stand to be near him) and “washing his hands” consists of running them under water for a max of three seconds, even after going to the grocery store and touching every item on the shelves. 

Film Bro (Advanced)

Ah, a fan favorite. You know the Film Bro, ready to Absolutely School You in all things Batman because you’re wearing a Joker shirt and he just HAS to know if you can recite the entirety of “The Killing Joke.” Like Mr. Clean, he used to be a typical annoyance but now, dear reader, he’s mutated into a different strain that may kill you — because guess what, with all this quarantine time, you have NO EXCUSE to not have seen EVERY WES ANDERSON FILM EVER, and also while you’re at it you must watch “Goodfellas.” No, scratch that — every Martin Scorsese movie ever. You have the time now, girl. He will guilt you into using it Wisely, aka ‘Take a deep dive into the Film History of White Men and their So-Interesting-Not-Boring-At-All Stories. There’s guns! Pew pew! ’Murica!’

The Hoarder

You just might be tempted to respond when he texts “Come over I have tp,” but honey, you’re better than this. Wipe your butt with a leaf, I swear to God — just don’t egg this guy on. Every night he imagines the world collapsing with him on the top, lounging on a throne of toilet paper, women lining up to kiss his musty beard in exchange for a square. We don’t worship false Gods, babe, and we definitely don’t worship Late Capitalist Scum. (If it’s three leaves, don’t wipe your bum with it. Anything else works.) 

Instagram Live Lord

There is absolutely no reason to sink so low, to be so bored, that you go live on Instagram. You’re not an Influencer, Brad, you’re my ex and your nose is too big for your face. Squidward-looking dork.

Literature Bro (2.0)

A brother to Film Bro, Literature Bro just cannot comprehend how you haven’t read “Infinite Jest” 20 times over in the past couple weeks. You have so much time now, what are you doing, face masks? Breathing exercises to get your anxiety under control? No, no — read more Faulkner. You’ve never heard of “The Yellow Wallpaper”? That’s so odd, I thought you were a feminist. I’m forgetting who wrote it, some woman, but she was So Important. Seriously, with all this quarantine time, you gotta get your hands on David Foster Wallace. Ignore how he used his hands against his wife and just enjoy. 

The Denier

This boy is new to the block. We’ve had versions of him before, of course — Climate Change Denier, Bro who Denies He Ever Slept with Denise at That Party I Swear Babe, “The Holocaust Was an Alien Simulation” Bro. This type of Denier is specific to COVID-19, as in, he doesn’t believe it’s that big a deal. He has a friend that writes for Breitbart who doesn’t think Dr. Fauci knows anything about nothing, and that friend can also buttchug half a keg, so he’s a Medical Expert. 

The Chad (Stronger than Ever)

He is here for one thing and one thing only — your nudes. Only now, he’s more persistent, hitting your DMs with, “But baby I can’t leave the house, I can’t come see you, I really need those sweet, sweet pics. I’m being a Hero by staying at home — can’t you honor your country’s veterans?” He’s more prone to cheesy pickup lines than ever before, egged on by lewd Reddit lists of COVID-19 jokes. Usually you’d humor him — sometimes it’s fun to play with food you’re never gonna eat — but now, nah. Block that boi. 

Plague Doctor

The coronavirus is just another Fashion Moment for him. He was already dressing cyberpunk post-apocalyptic before this, but this is his chance to elevate His Look with a nifty N95. He wears his N95 everywhere, on Zoom, on his walks outside to put the garbage out. The pandemic hit so he can Look Hot. He has nothing of value to say about the historic events we’re living through, but guaranteed he can look back on his camera roll of selfies in 40 years and be proud of how he spent his time. You Wouldn’t Get It — the Look is a Lifestyle. Wanna photograph me in front of this massive pile of canned corn?