Butchy: Staying in touch, and making it count

O-Chem textbooks purchased, new digs furnished, refrigerator stocked and Facebook “current city” updated. O-Chem textbooks purchased, new digs furnished, refrigerator stocked and Facebook “current city” updated. Now in the spirit of the fresh starts and newly declared priorities of a fall semester, let’s take a moment to reflect: What’s the toughest thing facing you?

If you said “keeping in contact with family and friends from home,” then that makes two of us. (Bravo for being able to think past the looming LSATs, eventual Date Parties and unavoidable Market meal or two.) In spite of all the stress-inducing, sleep-stealing aspects of life that return to to-do lists everywhere with the advent of each new school year, perhaps the most challenging aspect of being at college is keeping up with those who aren’t there with you.

For me, it’s finally been long enough. After more than four semesters at Pitt making correspondence promises I fail to keep — and countless years prior spent being a generally terrible communicator — I’ve resolved to do something about it. I’m going to keep in touch. I promise.

But a promise isn’t enough — or at least it hasn’t been, yet. If you’re someone who experiences the same difficulty communicating as I do, you’ll know that as much as you might want to keep in contact, it’s not just going to happen naturally. For this reason, I’ve come up with a few guidelines to ease the process and keep me on track. For those of you who likewise hope to stay close now that you’re farther away, consider keeping these recommendations in mind.

Save the Date. For many people — students and the rest of the population alike — the primary challenge of keeping in touch is finding the time to do so. Whether it’s an unforgiving study itinerary, a jam-packed class schedule, a full-time job or a laundry list of social obligations, there’s always something that an aspiring correspondent could be doing instead of writing or calling his loved ones.

The key here is not simply to “make it a priority” — you’ve likely already done that, with mixed results. Instead, try actually building the activity into your schedule. Rather then nebulously assuring a friend, “Talk to you again soon,” decide on a day and time that you’ll both be available for a call. Instead of resolving to email your great aunt the second you’re through that really tough week, whip out your schedule, find a free hour and pencil in, “Write to Aunt Rita.” Having the time reserved will not only ensure that you actually complete the task, it will also serve to eliminate any guesswork concerning whether you’ll have time for it.

Even better than a single appointment is a recurring planned time for a phone or Skype call. You’ll eventually begin to think of the date as part of your weekly or monthly routine. I found great success meeting up with on-campus acquaintances using this technique last year: Of my six or so good friends whom I didn’t see in my dorm or at work, I met up with two at a weekly Thursday lunch and ultimately saw them about 10 times more than any of the others combined.

Keep it Short. In the same vein as finding the time, my next biggest difficulty with keeping in touch is worrying that the communication is going to take too long. If you’ve had more than three conversations in your life, chances are you’ve come across a talker — someone who just doesn’t know when to break off the parley. This phenomenon is more common and, for some reason, more dreaded on the phone. And it’s a huge hindrance to communication. You’re never going to pick up the receiver or voice-dial your great aunt if you know she’s going to want to have a 90-minute lecture/conversation with you when she picks up.

So in the interest of your close contacts as well as your hearing, keep conversations at reasonable lengths. Just say something like, “That sounds great Aunt Rita, and I really have to go now, but maybe I can hear more about it next time.” Be polite but firm. Your friend or family member won’t begrudge you a timely exit, especially if it means they’ll get to hear from you again soon.

Make it Count. Now that you have the tools to take those first few steps and be in touch, a word on content. Just as important as making that effort to talk is sharing things that matter. If you’re consistently swapping pleasantries such as what the weather’s like in your respective cities or simply listing and re-listing the classes you’re taking, it might be time to come to terms with letting the communication lapse a little.

Instead of asking questions like “How’s life?” or “What’s your major again?,” ask your hometown friend how he’s enjoying that art class he really wanted to take or how his brother’s crew team is doing. And feel free to share your own experiences: Mention people you’ve met or places you’ve gone, even if your listners aren’t personally familiar with them. They’ll be grateful to know what’s really going on in your life.

vDon’t Feel Pressured. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, don’t feel pressured. Keeping in touch shouldn’t be a burden, but a pleasure. Theoretically, that’s why you’re doing it. If keeping in contact with one person or another gets to be a stress — or worse, begins to take up nearly all of your time — give due consideration to cutting back or taking a break. For all there is to be said about staying close with good friends at home and keeping your family up-to-date, neither is a reason to let life where you are pass you by. It might be important to make the effort to stay in touch, but most often, a true friendship won’t be harmed by a few weeks — or even several months — of limited communication.

Keeping in contact might never be effortless, but with a little practice, it can become easy. Reminding someone you’re thinking of them is a task that’s worth the effort — even if, to those closest to you, you’ll never seem very far away.

Don’t already have enough people to write to as it is? Get in some practice by emailing Cathy at catherinebutchy@gmail.com.