Satire | November Horoscopes

Believe it or not, it’s already the second to last month of 2020. There’s a lot to look forward to this month, including finding out the results of the presidential election and this crazy, speedrun of a semester coming to a close. If you’re looking for something a little bit more laid back than the current state of the world, and I’m sure most of us are, look no further than your monthly horoscope.

Aries (March 21–April 19): This November is the perfect time for you to work on your interpersonal relationships, Aries. Maybe you’ve been holding a grudge against someone for a long time. Maybe you’ve had a crush on a certain someone for a while. Well, the stars say it’s time to tell these people how you’ve been feeling — set them free if you’re tired of them, or pull them closer — metaphorically, of course — if they’re willing.

Taurus (April 20–May 20): Your mission, should you choose to accept it, for the month of November is to pursue freedom in whatever form you can find it, Taurus. In the name of allowing you to truly discover what that means for you, the stars neglected to provide any suggestions. I, however, have a few ideas on how to find your own freedom — move to the Midwest, build a log cabin and live your “Little House on the Prairie” dream. Alternatively, you could just delete all social media, let your phone plan expire and go entirely off the grid until you feel sufficiently liberated. A third option is not to take any advice from me and think for yourself — that’s probably the free-est (most free?) choice.

Gemini (May 21–June 20): You might have weird dreams this November, Gemini. Pay very close attention. You have the opportunity to learn from the strange scenarios your subconscious throws Dream You into. For example, if you dream you’re diving into a giant fish tank, but when you hit the water it turns into the ocean, and the waves turn into massive 30-foot swells, and it seems like the water is trying to drown you, personally … well, there’s probably something to learn there. Maybe you angered the Greek god of the sea, Poseidon, and he’s trying to warn you not to mess with him. Or maybe you’re just very, very stressed out.

Cancer (June 21–July 22): Do you like to listen to Frank Ocean, Cancer? If you don’t, why not? Go listen to the album “Blonde” until you do. Now I’d like you to consider a question that a boy on Tinder asked me after he discovered I was a “Frank girl” — who hurt you? This November, the stars want you to ponder this, and once you have an answer … well, then you’re on your own. The stars and I can’t be your life coach/therapist/anything else. Maybe you just need to sit with that feeling for a while? Maybe just put on some Frank Ocean? I don’t know.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22): I hate to break it to you, Leo, but the stars told me your November is gonna be pretty rough. There’s a lot of stuff for you to deal with, and I’m sure you’re feeling pretty burnt out. That’s understandable, but you need to find a way to deal with it. Luckily for you, the stars and I have concocted a wonderful method of coping with things — just put on your most comfortable walking shoes and take a hike into the nearest wilderness. Don’t tell anyone where you’re going, and don’t worry about knowing when you’re coming back. The mystery is part of the fun.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22): As someone on Twitter once said — happy no-knowledge November, Virgo! This month, you can take comfort in the fact that even if you don’t know anything, no one else does either. Just accept the fact that you won’t always have all the answers — sometimes you won’t have any answers — and that’s totally fine. Just make a chai latte and breathe. It’ll be OK. The stars and I promise.

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22): This November, the stars really want you to apply yourself, Libra. They know you’ve been slacking. They’ve seen you spending hours upon hours on TikTok — why do you do that? Most of them aren’t even that funny. Please, just watch one lecture. Maybe two if you’re really far behind. The semester ends in, like, three weeks. The stars and I don’t want to stress you out, but you’re really starting to run out of time. Do the assignments you’ve been avoiding. Please.

Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21): Now is your chance to live your life like you’re the main character — it’s Scorpio season, after all. Find a cool indie playlist on Spotify, put on your mask and some loose-fitting jeans and go for a jaunt around campus. Smile at people knowingly even though they can’t tell you’re smiling because of your mask, and they totally just think you’re staring them down. Step in time with the beat of whatever song you’re listening to. It’s fine if you totally embarrass yourself. It’s your world, Scorpio — the rest of us are just living in it.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21): Things have probably been getting away from you recently. Try not to let this get to you. I know I say this every month, but things are hard right now, Sagittarius, and they’re not likely to get easier this month. Just take things day by day, and don’t worry if you consistently fall behind. Slow and steady wins the race. Just get through the last few weeks of the semester, take your finals and then you get to vegetate for all of December and most of January. Doesn’t that sound fun?

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19 ): I know everything is intense right now, but that doesn’t mean you have to be intense, Capricorn. Try to be less like Paris Geller and more like the Dalai Lama. Nothing good will come from you freaking out at your friends or your acquaintances or anyone, for that matter. This November, remember to treat people kindly, and maybe pick up a morning meditation practice. Sometimes it’s nice to just sit still and breathe.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18): You need to take a nap, Aquarius. The stars told me you’ve been staying up until 3 a.m. almost every night. Why are you doing that? Your body can only survive being sleep deprived for … well, I don’t know how long, but there are generally bad results. This November, you need to start taking better care of yourself, and you should start by slipping into full hibernation. Bears can do it, and some scientists speculate you can too! Now go eat a massive meal and get in bed!

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20): This November, the stars are challenging you to take action and make your dreams a reality. Think of something you’ve wanted for a really long time — maybe something materialistic like a new phone or a cool jacket, or maybe something more Maslow’s hierarchy-esque like recognition or validation from someone you admire — and start working to make it your reality. Some people might call it manifestation, but the stars and I are calling it your monthly project. Get to work, Pisces.

Paige writes primarily about environmental policy and politics — when she’s not divining the stars, that is. Tell Paige if her horoscopes are accurate at PML36@pitt.edu