Kozlowski: Tips for novice procrastinators

Ah, those carefree summer days, when we could do what we wanted and didn’t have to worry about deadlines or being pressed to do things. Ah, those carefree summer days, when we could do what we wanted and didn’t have to worry about deadlines or being pressed to do things.

Okay, maybe not this summer, when we worked under that battle-ax of a boss, or last summer when we took those classes, or the summer before that when we were getting ready for college. But during at least some summer we can remember, deadlines weren’t an issue.

Yet those days are gone, and it’s back to college, which means we’ve got about 15 seconds to be wistful before getting hammered with papers, midterms, problem sets and finals. These things are all extremely unpleasant to think about, so some of us won’t think about them until the night before they’re due. Most of us will walk out of the University with a degree in procrastination cum laude.

As an rising senior, I feel it’s my responsibility to offer some instruction on this topic — the young and impressionable students two or more years younger than myself, after all, might not have a full appreciation for all of the subtleties of procrastination. They might find procrastination a pugilistic, semi-scientific sport like football in which delays are ground through in a cloud-of-dust fashion, when, in reality, it’s an art demanding that deadlines be ignored with effortless grace.

So to prevent you from becoming a procrastination piker, I’ll offer the following pointers on how to most effectively put things off and gain valuable experience in time-mismanagement.

First, to truly procrastinate with style, you must understand why you’re procrastinating and then place yourself in situations where you’re tempted to put things off. This is fairly easy. You are procrastinating on an assignment because you don’t want to do it. It is extremely unusual to put off buying a pizza, playing Call of Duty, gossiping, making out or cruising Facebook. I’ve never heard anybody say “Oh, man, guess I have to update my status, but I don’t feel like it.” Yet when it comes to writing, say, a critique of “Critique of Pure Reason” all kinds of excuses can be made for not doing it, at least not now.

So, one key to procrastinating like a champ is to surround yourself with things that you would much rather not be doing at the moment. These things should preferably be long-term assignments like papers rather than short-term assignments like weekly problem sets. All of them should be in classes that you either don’t care much for or that you absolutely despise. To hone your procrastination skills, the best schedule entails the most intense gen-eds you can find in departments you don’t care for, plus Organic Chemistry with a lab. Make sure that you also aren’t tempted to procrastinate for one class by working on another instead. That’s cheating.

Once you have the schedule down, the next thing to do is fill your life with distractions. Find a bunch of friends who are less studious than you are. Make sure they have all kinds of awesome interests and a major that requires hardly any work at all. Text them constantly to see if they are out and then do what comes naturally. Aside from friends, add a TV, a couple dozen movies and video-games and a significant other. Subtract calendars, planners and watches. Since we’re now guaranteed an NFL season this year,  you don’t have to worry about finding a new activity on which to blow a whole afternoon. We can all still watch football, and even spend a couple of evenings a week with SportsCenter.

Now that you have the equipment for procrastination, you need the attitude. And that attitude is that there is no minute like the last, and if you turn in crappy work it’s the professor’s fault for giving so darn much of it. The truly excellent procrastinators are able to get micrometric precision on how much time they have to waste by spending a fair amount of time complaining about how much work they have to do when the deadline finally does arrive. So when you’re right under deadline, hit every number on your speed-dial in sequence to talk about how swamped you are. Or if you prefer a low-tech solution, convene a large and convivial study group at Hillman. In fact, this low-tech solution is preferable, because it comes with the illusion of accomplishing something.

I was going to include all sorts of other helpful commentary on the fine art of procrastination, but I find myself facing a fast-approaching deadline. Just remember that you too can master the art of procrastination. When you get around to it, that is.

Write kozthought@gmail.com.