Satire | February Horoscopes

Here we are: the second month of 2021, or if you’re living by the COVID Calendar, March 300-and-something-th, 2020. The stars won’t judge you based on which calendar you ascribe to, but they will judge you if you don’t take their advice for the upcoming month. Read on to see what February has in store for you.

Aries (March 21–April 19): Chase your dreams this month, Aries. Do you want a nicer, newer car? Do you want to kindle a Valentine’s Day flame with a special someone? Do you want to remind yourself what it’s like to have a zest for life? Well, this month, the stars want you to know that you can do anything you set your mind to. You can do literally whatever you want so long as you move forward with conviction … and you don’t, like, break any laws.

Taurus (April 20–May 20): This month, Taurus, is the perfect time for you to embrace your long-harbored desire to be a poet. Don’t tell me you’ve never wanted to be a poet — the stars know all. Order one of those cute little pocket poet series editions of Allen Ginsberg’s “Howl” and get inspired! Stop lying. I know you want to be a poet.

Gemini (May 21–June 20): What have you been avoiding recently, Gemini? Your homework? Your bills? A class that’s required for your major but just sounds insanely boring? All of the above? This month, it’s time for you to quit procrastinating and get to work. Conquer your fears! Be bold! Just get things done before we get to the sixth or seventh week of school and you’re totally burnt out and can’t imagine doing anything at all. Trust me.

Cancer (June 21–July 22): You’ve probably had a rough couple of months, Cancer. The stars told me to apologize to you on their behalf — they made the Cosmos mad, and then blamed it on you, so the universe has been taking it out on you. The stars send their apologies, though. They’re working on holding themselves accountable now! They think you should try it too — holding yourself accountable, not picking fights with the Cosmos. You probably can’t risk that.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22): Have you been holding your loved ones at arm’s length recently, Leo? Have you been retreating into yourself and isolating? Stop it! It’s time to knock it off and start reaching out to the friends and family you’ve been avoiding. Well, unless you have COVID, because then you definitely need to keep isolating. But you can still text your loved ones and try to spark up a conversation. As uncomfortable as it is, sometimes you have to be the first one to reach out. Deal with it. Also, sorry if you have COVID.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22): Stay chill this month, Virgo. Maybe take a few pages out of whatever book the dude who used a Magic 8-Ball to invest in the stock market was reading. I mean, nothing is truly that serious, and life is sorta just a game of chance. Don’t get too caught up on whatever goes right or wrong in your life. Just go with the flow, and ride the waves. You should consider starting to use the shaka — it gives the illusion that you’re cooler and more chill than you actually are. 

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22): Don’t even THINK about humble bragging this month. Do you hear me, Libra? Don’t even consider it! Absolutely no one wants to hear your obnoxious spiel — not me, not the stars and certainly not the people who actually talk to you on a daily basis. Save them from the obnoxious, insufferable humble brag. Maybe, instead of constantly hyping yourself up, you should try to compliment someone else. It’s way more fun, trust me.

Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21): This February, you need to learn how to slow down, Scorpio. Take a chill pill. Stop and smell the roses. Whatever you want to call it, just take it easy. You’ve probably been in a frenzy these past few weeks, what with the start of the semester and getting used to having responsibilities after having a two month break. This month, focus on not rushing things. As a very wise summer camp counselor once told me, “Take it slow! Everything is temporary!”

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21): Dedicate some time to being carefree and childlike this February, Sagittarius. Put on your best waterproof, insulated shoes and go jump in slush puddles on the sidewalk! I dare you! I double dare you to jump with extra enthusiasm when people are walking past. If you can trap someone between your fiendish, puddle-jumping self and a splash of gross, salty road-slush courtesy of a passing Port Authority bus, I will personally give you $10. Email me proof and I’ll Venmo you.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19): This month, you’ll be tempted to sabotage yourself. Don’t give into the urge, Capricorn! I know there’s a voice in the back of your mind telling you that your degree isn’t that important and you should instead sit down and rewatch “The Queen’s Gambit” in its entirety, but the stars want me to remind you that it’s a waste of time. Maybe you can teach yourself how to actually play chess instead of vegetating on the couch — that way you’re at least actively thinking. Plus, if you get really good, you can drop out of school and become a real-life Grandmaster.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18): Be suspicious this month, dear Aquarius. You never know when some weirdo is gonna jump in a puddle beside you and get gross, freezing cold road slush all over you and your freshly washed jeans. I know you can’t afford to wash them after every wear, so make sure you stay vigilant and don’t let weird puddle jumpers get them all dirty. Better yet, wear garbage bags over your pants to protect them when you go outside — that way, you don’t have to worry so much.

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20): You’ve been sending mixed signals to someone recently. The stars and I are here to tell you to knock it off right now. They deserve better than that. If you’re interested in them as more than a friend, suck it up and tell them! If you’re not, stop texting them every single day and sending them memes! It’s exhausting for the person you’re talking to, and quite frankly, they don’t have the time or energy to keep trying to figure out if you’re into them or not.

Paige writes primarily about environmental policy and politics — when she’s not divining the stars, that is. Tell Paige if her horoscopes are accurate at PML36@pitt.edu.