Satire | 6 pieces of advice for a (semi) normal year

Well, we’re back everybody — kind of. This whole pandemic isn’t totally ruining everyone’s life 24/7 anymore, and that’s pretty cool. The issue is that most of you will probably have forgotten how to act like a real human being in society at this point, but don’t worry! I’m here to guide you through reacclimating to life in what will — hopefully — be a somewhat normal year. You’re welcome.

1. Stick with your hobby — unless it’s lame

Chances are, you picked up something new during COVID-19. I’m something of a hobby-man, so I think that continuing with the instrument you started learning or the reading habit you picked up is a great idea.

There are some hobbies that should be left in the past, though. Stamp collecting? Get an email. Coin collecting? Get a credit card. Knitting clothes? Also get a credit card. You won’t be able to buy back the time you wasted stabbing yarn into a scarf that looks like something my six-year-old cousin could make, but you could get a cool sweatshirt that might help you forget about how bad you are at arts and crafts.

2. Remember that you have a pet

Another thing a lot of people did during the pandemic was get a pet. That pet is still yours. Don’t forget about it now that you can occasionally venture briefly outside of your house. That reminds me — I should probably feed my dogs before I write the next piece of advice.

3. Completely ditch your exercise routine

I guess I should just say, “admit that you never really exercised.” Because let’s face it — the mile and a quarter run that you went on a year and a half ago that was going to be your “new routine” was the last athletic thing that you did. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing — yours truly hasn’t broken a workout-related sweat since 2018 — but it’s time to give up the charade.

4. Pick out 10-15 TV shows and 30-40 movies

If you are anything like me, chances are that your study habits are going to be similar to last year — meaning that you won’t study at all. I’m not saying that’s the best thing for your grades, but to keep the same lackadaisical energy that we all had last semester, it’s essential to have an abundance of movies and TV to watch. I tried to give a low-ball estimate, so if you feel like you’re really going to do nothing, jack those numbers way up. Reach out to me for any suggestions.

5. Remember that classes are in-person now

Seriously. That’s important. I took most of my classes during COVID-19 with fewer articles of clothing on than I care to admit, but it’s important to remember that clothes are required for in-person class. As comfortable as it would be for me to walk into my Spanish class in just my boxers, I don’t know if that would fly.

6. Go to every office hour available

You’ll not only get a better understanding of all your classes, but I’m sure your professors will want to speak to you twice a week for an hour at a time. Heck — you could even make a new friend! I’m telling you, office hours are the bomb.com.

Tim Moxey can be contacted at tim52@pitt.edu or by carrier pigeon. He will most likely forget to respond to both.