Editorial | 10 things we would do with the escaped Steller’s sea eagle

If you weren’t aware, a Steller’s sea eagle named Kodiak escaped from the National Aviary in the Northside on Sept. 25, and the Aviary’s animal care experts brought him home Sunday. Although local, this is quite possibly the most entertaining bit of news since the Ever Given ship was stuck in the Suez Canal back in March. 

How a massive bird managed to escape from the aviary is beyond us — but we wouldn’t put it past him to have an accomplice. Although Kodiak hadn’t left the Northside area, we can’t help but contemplate what we would have done if he made an appearance on campus. 

Just bring him places with us

He would need his own chair since he’s so large, but imagine Kodiak in class, in an office and even in the Eatery. His perfect perch would be, well, at the Perch. The thought is hilarious. 

Deliver papers 

We all pretend we’re in Hogwarts when we study on the main floor of the Cathedral of Learning, but instead of Hedwig the owl to send mail, Kodiak the eagle would be our own personal mailman. We could even train him to deliver newspapers!

Pester sources to write back to us

Nothing will get sources to write back to us in a timely fashion like a giant, pesky bird. Plus, no one can say no to Kodiak, look at that face!

Train him to eat homework

Dogs eating homework is out. Kodiak eating our homework is in. 

Intimidate strange men

In general, the species can weigh between 13 and 20 pounds and stands about four feet tall. Kodiak has a wingspan of nearly six feet. Our scary bird ultimately trumps scary guys. 

Oakland crime control

We already know this bird is too big to mess with. Criminals don’t stand a chance and Pitt Police doesn’t have the amazing perspective of a bird’s eye view. Our friendly neighborhood Kodiak to the rescue. 

Coronate him as king of South O’s pigeons and put his throne next to the Peregrines

South Oakland’s pigeons are both loved and hated all over campus, and clearly, they would benefit from having Kodiak as their bird overlord. Would we get him a crown and a throne to sit on next to the peregrine falcon nest on the Cathedral of Learning? Probably. 

Replace Starship Robots forever

Pitt students were split on their love for the Starship Robots that invaded campus nearly two years ago now. Some had a strange sort of affection for the slow moving vehicles, while some felt the need to abuse them. Regardless, when Pittsburgh weather hits, none of us want to go outside to get the food we need. 

The Steller’s sea eagle is indigenous to far eastern Russia and therefore is built for the harsh conditions of Siberia — meaning he’s more than capable of dealing with Pittsburgh winters. They are able to carry nearly 15 pounds in their massive talons, making Kodiak the perfect replacement for the Starship Robots. 

Therapy bird

Therapy dog Tuesdays have nothing on Kodiak. He would be able to hold his own easily among the biggest pups there, even Stanley. 

Aerial views of Oakland

Oakland is beautiful from the air, and who better to film it than Kodiak. We nominate Nate, our multimedia editor, to strap a GoPro to Kodiak’s back and let him fly.