Satire | November Horoscopes

Congrats everyone! We’ve made it to November, and 2021 is coming to a close. I guess that doesn’t really mean a lot because we’ll just move into 2022, but it’s sort of a nice thought. Anyway, if you’re wondering what the stars have in store for you this November, read on. 

Aries (March 21–April 19): The stars only have one tip for you this month, Aries, so it’s really important that you take this to heart. The “talking stage” is just that — a stage. It’s not meant to last three or four or — heaven forbid — five months! I know you don’t want anything to tie down your free spirit, but in my experience, people expect the “talking stage” to end in some kind of commitment. You should have a conversation with whoever is stuck in talking limbo with you and figure out what they’re thinking. If you want to prioritize your own freedom, Aries, it’s only fair that you give those around you the opportunity to do the same. 

Taurus (April 20–May 20): Let me be the first to tell you that you are doing amazing, Taurus. Really. The stars told me that you’ve been going out of your way to lift up your friends, and it’s made everyone’s existence at least a little bit easier. Keep it up and know that the karmic cycle is going to send you a treat this month. It could come in many forms — you might find a $20 bill from last winter in your coat pocket, or you might get an A on a test you thought you were going to totally fail. Get excited!

Gemini (May 21–June 20): Have you been feeling scatterbrained recently, Gemini? The stars told me you have been, and they usually don’t lie. It’s totally normal to have a lot on your mind, especially in this day and age. While the last month or so might have felt like an episode of one of those hoarding shows, you can take comfort in knowing that you’re getting to the end of the episode when things are a little less messy and people feel more relaxed. 

Cancer (June 21–July 22): This November, look for comfort in the little things, Cancer. If you see a squirrel burying an acorn, call it comfort. That’s your emotional support squirrel now. Things have probably felt overwhelming and stressful lately — it’s the theme of 2021 — so it’s important that you find little ways to cope. For example, your new emotional support squirrel. 

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22): This month, Leo, it’s time to splurge. Have you been eyeing a $300  tote bag? Buy it! What about the new MacBook Pro? Splurge! You deserve it. You’ve been working hard, and it’s important to reward yourself for that, even if the reward feels a little exorbitant.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22): You, my friend, have been revelling in your own indecisiveness. Some of us are on the indecisive bus, but you’re driving it. Your shift is over, Virgo! Get off the bus and take a stand. It’s time to stop hesitating when the people at Chipotle ask you what kind of rice you want. Everyone knows you get the same kind every time. Don’t pretend like you don’t. 

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22): You need to take a chill pill, Libra, and I mean that in the kindest way possible. I know life feels crazy, but you need to look after number one — that’s you, babe. Remember that posting an outfit of the day on your Instagram story is not the same as actually practicing self-care. Instead, try giving yourself a manicure, petting an animal — perhaps Cancer’s emotional support squirrel? — or eating a nice warm bowl of soup.

Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21): Hi, Scorpio, you cutie. These next few weeks are your time to shine! This month, all kinds of good things are coming your way — birthday gifts, quality time with your besties, validation in whatever form you best receive it, etc. Just be sure to stay in the moment so you can appreciate all the love people are showering on you, and remember that you deserve it. When the voice in your head tells you otherwise, ask it to kindly shut up.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21): November is the perfect time for you to live your “Gilmore Girls” dream, Sagittarius. I’m sure you’re drinking tons of coffee to cope with all of the work you have to do. Now, add a corduroy jacket and call it “early-2000s-New-England-chic.” It’ll give you a little escape from reality, or at least help make your reality a little bit more charming.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19): You might be feeling a desperate need to shake things up this month, Capricorn. The stars want you to know that this is okay as long as you don’t do anything too drastic. For example, do not cut your own bangs at one in the morning! Just because your friends don’t immediately text you saying you shouldn’t doesn’t mean you should — they’re just asleep. Do something a little bit less permanent — rearrange your furniture or paint your nails a funky color. 

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18): I hate to say this, Aquarius, but you’re in for a wild ride this month. Things are probably crazy now, and the stars told me that they won’t be calming down anytime soon. The good news is it’s an excellent opportunity for you to grow. I know that doesn’t sound very fun, but it’s ultimately a good thing and you will come out on the other side a better person.

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20): This month brings a wonderful opportunity for you to embrace your natural sentimentalism, Pisces. Let yourself travel back down memory lane. Order your old favorite drink at Starbucks or your old favorite food when you go out for lunch. If you’re a Swiftie, lock yourself in your room when “Red (Taylor’s Version)” comes out and scream along to the 10-minute version of “All Too Well.” This is one of the only times when it’s acceptable, even encouraged, for you to live in the past. Embrace that. 

Paige Lawler writes primarily about environmental policy and politics — when she’s not divining the stars, that is. Tell her if your horoscope is accurate at pml36@pitt.edu.