Satire | 10 activities for singles on Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is not a holiday for the weak — and by weak, I mean single.

This capitalist holiday of roses and chocolates was created for couples, is advertised for couples and is enjoyed by couples. As someone who was once — like you — single, I have decided to generously share some tips and tricks for how to make your Valentine’s Day a fun one. To all of you lonely folks out there, I now present a list of 10 Valentine’s activities that will be sure to mend your non-committal hearts.

1. Call your cuffed friends and start a fight to ruin their day.

Watching your friends be lovey-dovey with their significant other is never fun. It’s time to let those months and months of jealous observations come together in one nasty phone call. The more outraged and heated you come across, the better!

2. Purchase a dozen heart-shaped donuts from Dunkin’ and eat them all by yourself.

You are spending your Valentine’s Day alone — you are obviously going to binge eat something until you feel sick, so why not choose these annoyingly adorable donuts? If you decide to purchase in store instead of by mobile order, then you get to spend even more time being around people who don’t care about you!

3. Listen to “Melodrama” and “Fine Line” on repeat and cry.

These are, in my personal opinion, the best albums to put all of you lonesome singles in your feels. For the best results, I recommend putting on a hot shower, sitting on the floor and assuming the fetal position while you listen and shed those tears.

4. Stare obnoxiously at every couple you see engaging in Public Displays of Affection.

Seriously — who wants to see people holding hands and kissing in public? Their happiness should make you feel sick, and you should definitely let them know. If this activity soon becomes a bore, practice a variety of rude facial expressions and get creative. Try a scrunched up nose, the evil eye and consider throwing in a verbal “Gross!” or “That’s disgusting!”

5. Scroll through your ex’s Instagram or Facebook, and be comforted by the knowledge that they will never get over you

No matter how happy they may seem, or if they are in a current relationship, never forget the most important thing — that you left a long-lasting emotional impact. Your chaos became their chaos, and no one will ever be able to take that from you. Allow the god complex to reign despite being irrevocably alone.

6. Since everyone you meet on Tinder ends up ghosting you, turn off the app and stare at the ceiling instead.

This may sound harsh, but trust me — it’s a better use of your time. You have spent countless hours swiping right on people only for roughly 25% to become matches, and for 99% of those matches to never speak to you again after one measly conversation or sext. Give that ceiling the action that you’re not getting! It is just as deserving of loving glances as you are.

7. Buy a bouquet of roses and obnoxiously chew on their petals in a public space

Schenley Plaza, Towers Lobby — you name it! Be sure to chew with your mouth open and be as loud as humanly possible. NOM! NOM! NOM! This will enable you to become a public menace, as you absolutely should be.

8. Go to a restaurant and ask for a table for two.

You know that you are only a party of one. I know that you are only a party of one. Literally every single person who has met you knows that you are only a party of one. Who doesn’t know? Whichever restaurant you decide to inconvenience. You are depressed and alone and it is time to make it everyone else’s problem. Steal that table for two!

9. Walk around South Oakland and leave a variety of anxiety-inducing sticky notes on peoples’ cars

Some ideas include “She’s pregnant” or “He’s cheating on you.” Once again, your one and only way to contribute to society this Valentine’s Day is by savagely destroying happiness and hope. Feel free to get creative with your notes — there are limitless possibilities to the ways in which you can give someone mild anxiety!

10. Call your parents, grandparents or other family members so at least somebody will tell you that they love you.

Everyone wants to know that they matter. That they are seen. That they are loved. Unfortunately, no one can provide you with that security except for the people who have no choice but to love you. Time to call them up and guilt them into saying those three magical words!

Sarah Liez writes primarily about gender issues and social phenomena. Write to her at sjl88@pitt.edu.