Kozlowski: Everyone has weird relatives. Except for me.

The holiday season is prime time for socializing, counting one’s blessings and reflecting on… The holiday season is prime time for socializing, counting one’s blessings and reflecting on the past year. Unfortunately, some of that time is likely spent reflecting on the fact that some of your friends and family are people you are thankful to see only once a year. Let’s face it — every family has members we would rather avoid. People who dress up like KISS every day, homeopathic folk-healing born-agains and persons “slightly to the right of Genghis Khan” in the words of my uncle; all must be related to somebody. Odds are some of them are related to you.

Of course, none of them are related to me. All my relatives are perfectly nice and normal. Or at least the ones who read this column are. But based on those relatives who don’t read this column, I can offer some advice as to how to deal with people that you can’t stand.

The first step is to realize that even though some relatives might be acerbic, misanthropic, unpleasant, cynical and just plain jerks, at least they can be occasionally incisive and amusing. Like H.L. Mencken, for instance. If someone is amusing, they become less annoying and unpleasant. Seeing someone as amusing is not too difficult. Can you laugh at a racist reactionary who always insists on sitting in the same chair, smoking cigars and calling anyone who disagrees with him a “meathead”? Well, if you’ve ever seen the show “All In the Family,” you no doubt did laugh at Archie Bunker.

If it isn’t possible to be amused, attempt to avoid. Find some cute little cousins of yours aged 6 or younger in the other room. Go ahead and help them build a snowman or throw some snowballs in their direction or something. The adults will love it because it means the kids aren’t playing a game of “let’s annoy Grandma,” and you’ll love it because you’ll miss Archie Bunker’s explanation of the world. If you don’t have any young cousins, it is possible to create false melodrama and check your cell phone frequently. Or you can act like an antisocial loser. Whatever you decide, remember, you have options.

Picking the correct topics of conversation and acting with generally appropriate etiquette can save you a lot of trouble during the season. Phrases rhyming with “brass pole” or “coarse bit” should be avoided at all times. Topics to avoid include religion, politics and other relatives. Safer topics include sports. Why else do you think they play football on Thanksgiving? And why does the game always involve the Detroit Lions — a team that everyone can agree is pretty bad? Other safe topics should be pretty clear if you’ve paid attention over the years. Good for you if you didn’t sleep through all those family dinners!

Some of the people seated around your holiday table might include the following:

The racist: This is a hard-to-deal-with difficulty. Everyone feels a little awkward telling this person he’s full of it. On the other hand, nobody wants to vocally agree and say things like “that’s right, white males of Polish extraction are no good!”  — especially not around my holiday table. The best thing to do when faced with said individual is to be quiet, and perhaps make moderating comments such as, “Well, they don’t eat babies, do they? That seems a little unlikely.” Deflection to another topic often helps here, too.

The oddball: Maybe this person just joined a cult that worships giant wombats and wants to convert you. Or perhaps they believe salt crystals have magic powers that are unknown to science or kept secret by evil drug firms/the government. These folks are usually a lot of fun, and when they aren’t, it’s usually enough to invoke the great Midwestern phrase “Well, that’s kinda different,” which odds are, it is. Then you can tune out, as it is unlikely there will be a quiz. It is usually a bad idea to tell them exactly how wrong they are and so act like … well … like H.L. Mencken, for instance.

The nostalgics: These folks did some amazing things in their lives. Just ask them. They lived through the Dee-pression, where they thanked their lucky stars they were born in the USA and that they could go to school instead of working in the mills, which weren’t hiring anyway. Children back then respected their elders, by golly, and listened to good, wholesome, morally upstanding music like jazz unlike this rebellious crap they play today, and, HEY, look at me when I’m talking to you!

Yes, these stories are a bit boring — until your older relatives die and you don’t hear them anymore, and so an era’s memories are lost to you. So shut up and listen, you little whippersnapper!

The newspaper columnist who’s a major know-it-all: I don’t see anything wrong with this person, and you should be honored to have him at your holiday table.

After all, he could be a more grumpy newspaper columnist like … H.L. Mencken, for instance.

Don’t like all these mentions of H.L. Mencken? Write kozthought@gmail.com.