Satire | Why WVU is better than Pitt

Love, gratitude and friendship. There aren’t three words that could better describe the undying relationship between West Virginia and Pittsburgh. 

With 129 years of history between the two schools, they’ve had plenty of time to grow fond of one another. We don’t get to say it often, but when given the opportunity, we should let WVU know how much we truly appreciate it. And with the Backyard Brawl returning to Pittsburgh this weekend for its 107th edition, there’s no better time to spread a few reasons why we love WVU so much.

Mascot

The Mountaineer is something that just isn’t replicable. What about a middle-aged man with overgrown facial hair, a bearskin outfit, a raccoon hat and a rifle doesn’t scream collegiate softball? It makes perfect sense. It’s a shame that all mascots can’t carry loaded firearms at sporting events. 

Academics

Another reason we love West Virginia is that its students are geniuses. They make for amazing study buddies and tutors. When we struggle with our coursework here at Pitt, we know there’s a West Virginia student not far away to help us out. With an 89% acceptance rate, Morgantown is filled with some of the best intellectuals in America. 

Rich history of helping Pitt’s win column

We also love West Virginia because they’re experts at losing to Pitt football. In the 106 times the two schools have met on the gridiron for the Backyard Brawl, West Virginia has played so well that they’ve only won 41 match-ups. Now, they probably won’t need our help calculating that win percentage since they’re such mathematicians, but since we’re good friends we can give them a hint. It’s only 38% of the games. 

Exciting campus

It’s hard not to fall in love with West Virginia because Morgantown has many fun activities. When we get bored of the Pittsburgh scene of touring nationally acclaimed museums and sightseeing at the Point or Mount Washington, we can always head on down to Morgantown to join in on some of the popular pastimes of WVU students, whether it’s casual arson or day drinking on Tuesdays during class time. 

Smooth criminals

Speaking of casual arson, we can’t even begin to talk about how much we love that West Virginia has a knack for first-degree felonies. Unfortunately at Pitt, we try to avoid years in prison accompanied with thousand dollar fines, but we applaud those actively working to keep our justice system in check. It’s a selfless act we shouldn’t overlook.

Great food scene

We also love West Virginia because it has great food and drinks. When we get tired of Primanti’s sandwiches, pierogies and french fries on our salad, we just make our way down to West Virginia to get some finer cuisine at their annual roadkill cookoff. 

Supposedly, chili tastes much better made with a deer hit by a soccer mom moving 75 mph in her 2008 Toyota minivan! West Virginia is also well-known for its homemade moonshine, so if you’re ever up for forgetting your name, birth date and address, feel free to hit up one of its locally owned distilleries to taste some 100-proof. 

Overrated!

West Virginia gives us an opportunity for an unexpected win. Favored by 3.5 points, West Virginia is looking to win this upcoming matchup. But you know what they say, victory is a thousand times sweeter when you’re the underdog. We are lucky to have such good friends in West Virginia who want to see our win feel even more satisfying.