Satire | Undecided voters having trouble choosing between Block of Wood and Baby Eater

As the election draws near, many Pittsburgh voters are confident in their upcoming decision at the ballot box — but there is still a large sect of the population that can’t quite decide between their two options.

The race between Block of Wood and Baby Eater is a contentious one, and their respective campaigns are pulling out all the stops to scrounge up as many undecided voters as they can before election day. From younger students voting on single issues to new parents trying to make their way in today’s economy, every vote matters in this race that is nearly tied in the polls.

Sophomore economics major Jenny Stork says the issue of abortion is what will decide her vote. Despite Baby Eater’s more conservative platform, Stork is having a hard time believing he means what he says.

“I believe in protecting the life of the unborn,” Stork said. “Baby Eater eats three babies every day, and he strongly opposes abortion because, of course, every baby that’s aborted is one less baby he can eat.”

“What Baby Eater does with America’s babies is none of my business,” she continued, “but I’m concerned that, down the line, he might start trying to eat fetuses before they’ve been born, and that’s where I have to draw the line.”

Senior linguistics major Arvie Wayde also has his sights set on the future of reproductive rights. Block of Wood’s PR team has explicitly said that Block of Wood will not eat babies due to its lack of a digestive system, but Wayde is concerned Block of Wood might not do enough to protect a woman’s right to choose.

“I just want to see Roe reinstated, and for the past few months, Block of Wood’s campaign has been begging me for funds to help them restore abortion rights,” Wayde said. “I heard from an inside source, though, that once they reach their goal they’re just gonna intentionally lose both the House and Senate so they have to start all over again.”

Only two weeks from the election, some have realized it’s time to start pledging their allegiances. Jeremy Steel, a previously undecided voter from Sharpsburg, is now leaning toward voting for Baby Eater.

Steel lives with his wife of four years, and they recently had their first child. Despite this, he and his wife are still likely to vote Baby Eater on Election Day.

“I just like his immigration policy,” Steel said. “And, y’know, there are a lot of babies out there. Surely he won’t eat my baby.”

On the other side, recent Carnegie Mellon graduate Lawrence Vill, who lives in Shadyside, says he’s probably going to vote for Block of Wood. Vill didn’t pay too much attention to politics through college, but he says his friends told him how important this election is and urged him to participate.

“I like that Block of Wood isn’t gonna start any wars,” Vill said. “Though it isn’t gonna end any wars either. It also won’t raise taxes. Or lower them. It’s kind of a good candidate if you want things to keep going exactly the way they’ve been going.”

Vill listed 50 things that Block of Wood would not do while in office. All 50 are listed on Block of Wood’s campaign website, confirming it would not do any of them.

“It also won’t curb our right to free speech,” he continued, “or speak at all, since it’s a Block of Wood. By the way, is that normal? I know I’ve never been too into politics, but I feel like people aren’t really talking about the fact that our candidate is just a two-by-four from a hardware store.”

Both Block of Wood and Baby Eater visited Pittsburgh over the weekend as a last hurrah to win some voters in the swing state. Baby Eater greeted a crowd of a little over 100 people, waving signs that read, “Fearless Leader Baby Eater” and “Mass Baby Feast Now.”

The candidate took the stage to discuss his plan for the future of Pittsburgh’s infrastructure, affordable housing and the city’s labor unions. He waved goodbye after final remarks about his intentions for the nation’s young.

“I’m going to eat your babies,” he said to an ecstatic, cheering crowd. “Seriously, it’s gonna be your baby specifically. It’s gonna be devastating for you. I’m not joking — you’re gonna get a month, maybe two, with your child, and then I’m gonna eat it.”

Block of Wood was placed onstage in front of a crowd of nearly 200 supporters, all waving signs that read, “Nice!” Block of Wood didn’t say anything, but many attendees say it looked pretty confident up there.

Vill says that of all the things Block of Wood won’t do, he’s most pleased with its choice not to eat babies. He’s walking to his polling place with a “hey, might as well” attitude.

“If my friends taught me one thing, it’s that on November 5, there’s nothing more powerful than the stroke of a pen,” Vill said. “So when I get to that ballot box, I’ll be proud to stroke the Wood.”

Thomas Riley was almost eaten back in ’03 by Baby Eater’s father, Baby H.W. Eater. Email them about it at tjr83@pitt.edu.