More important than meeting the parents, more important than the Instagram hard launch and possibly more important than the wedding itself, is the couple’s Halloween costume. It tells more than you’d think about the state of a relationship — whether it’s in its playful beginning stage, the happy middle phase or the bitter ending state and everything in between.
Here’s a list of ten costumes you should and should not consider wearing this Halloween, depending on what you’re trying to tell the world about your relationship.
- Cowboy and Cowgirl: Well, you’re certainly not going to break up over creative differences. These costumes are easy to put together but overdone and boring. Try Googling couples costumes next time instead of going with the complete default option.
- PB & J: While a bit more creative than the cowboy thing, you’re still playing it very safe. There are no statements you want to make or classic characters you relate to? Fine, I guess. He’s never moving in with you, though.
- Pride and Prejudice: You have him totally whipped. Congratulations. You have achieved what few women have – total subservience. You could probably make him dress as absolutely anything at this point without him complaining. I wish I were you.
- Hot Cop and Prisoner: So he thinks of himself as chained to you … sounds like he hates you, if I’m being totally honest. Also, with the state of things around cops and police brutality, honestly, just choose anything else. Any other costume. I’ll even allow the cowboy and cowgirl costumes at this point. This costume combo just grosses me out to think about.
- Fiona and Shrek: Awwww! You guys are so cute together! You’re silly, fun, lighthearted — hey, are you looking for a third? To be Donkey, of course. Or Pinocchio, or the Gingerbread Man, or really any character from those movies. Man, I need to rewatch Shrek again.
- Fred and Velma from Scooby Doo: Wowww. Was this your idea, or did you pitch being Daphne and he said you were more of a Velma? Because while I love Velma — the show and the character, of course — if you wanted to be Daphne, and he said that? That’s a break-up-able offense. Come on, have some respect for yourself.
- Mimi and Roger from Rent: Either you forced him to do this, or he’s a massive theater kid. If it’s the latter, please, break up with him for the sake of your sanity. All theater kids are swingers. Which, if you’re into that, no worries. But, if you are not, see item five of the list above. But honestly, I wish my boyfriend would be willing to dress up as Roger. It’d be so cute. Alas, he’s a football kid, not a theater kid. I might have slightly fumbled that one.
- Mario and Princess Peach from Mario: His mother never loved him, and he’ll never forgive himself for that fact. You like princesses. You’re both too into video games for it to be healthy. He had a vasectomy but isn’t planning on telling you, ever. He’s always wanted to be a plumber but is too embarrassed of the profession to do anything about it.
- No costume: He actually hates you. Or you hate him. Whoever suggested not doing a couple’s costume, they don’t see this relationship going anywhere farther than their bedroom. Good luck, but it’s probably time to move on to someone who likes and respects you enough to put on a silly costume for one night. R.I.P.
- DoodleBob and Sexy Patrick from SpongeBob: You’re the best couple of all time, from dinosaur times all the way to robot dinosaur times. You’re both very secure in yourself as people and also very funny. Congratulations on winning at life. I’m so glad you guys found each other.
Anyway, here’s a photo of me and my boyfriend’s couples costume.
Good luck choosing, especially with such short notice, if you don’t have one picked out yet. And happy Halloween!
Alaina McCall writes things sometimes. If you want to compliment their Halloween costume, you can reach them at mccallalaina@gmail.com