Layton: Reality check for Lohan

Dear Lindsay Lohan,

I read your interview with British tabloid The Sun, and I must admit,… Dear Lindsay Lohan,

I read your interview with British tabloid The Sun, and I must admit, I’m impressed. You finally came clean about your cocaine and alcohol abuse (among other things), and you really seem like you want to turn your life and your career around.

But wait, shhh, what’s that wheezing sound? Oh yeah, it’s your career struggling to catch one last dying breath before fizzling out completely.

In your case, Lindsay, I think this interview might be the epitome of “too little, too late.” You have pretty much become irrelevant to everyone except those who still seek to turn a profit from your once-celebrity — namely, your father Michael Lohan. Even your mother Dina, , has started showing up at events without you.

Your father, however, is still publicly ranting about your safety, striving to get his name on, at the very least, the most obscure of gossip blogs. You have publicly denounced him as a relative, but hey, he definitely gets an A for effort.

A tell-all exposé with The Sun should have been a limelight-hogging exercise in famewh*ring, but you barely made a splash this week in the celebrity gossip roundup. Sure, you got your name back on Perez Hilton’s website, but have you really heard anyone talk about anyone other than Tiger Woods recently? I didn’t think so.

Of course, the sad demise of your status as a “serious actress” was inevitable. As if your hard-partying ways and public dispute with your father weren’t enough to kill your career, your general lack of quality project involvement might be the nail in the coffin. “Georgia Rules” — what, exactly? Certainly not the box office. “I Know Who Killed Me” — I know what killed your career! I could go on all day.

If you want to salvage any piece of your acting career, there are a few things you need to do. First, stop fighting with your dad — in public. You two have a lot of issues to work out, but they are issues that should be discussed behind closed doors, not over Twitter.

Next, pick your projects carefully. No, your first topless nude scene in the upcoming “Machete” doesn’t count. I remember a time when critics considered you a great talent. Find your next “Mean Girls” and run with it.

Finally, get your personal life in order. Samantha Ronson might have been a fun detour from reality, but the drama has derailed your life to the point where even straight-to-DVD projects would be considered excellent opportunities.

Now, I’m going to go watch “The Parent Trap” for the 300th time, and reminisce about the pre-partying days when you still had a beautiful career ahead of you.

And when you were still a ginger.

Take care,

Kieran Layton (and the rest of the world)

P.S. Just to clarify, “Dancing With the Stars” would be taking two giant tango steps backwards. You shouldn’t be that desperate.