Satire | Midterm madness: A selection of students’ struggles

Midterms are already upon us. They’re some of the worst things to ever happen to college students, so how do so many of us not only survive but also manage to not fail all of our classes? As one of the many people about to combust from the pressure of so many major assignments due at the same time, I needed comfort. I decided to take to the halls of Hillman to harass people into telling me what to do so I don’t die. 

One sophomore law, criminal justice, and society major, Ricky Speed, thinks he’s figured out how to demolish midterms and ace all his classes. 

“So all I do is I go to Saxby’s and get a large iced Americano every time I take a bathroom break. Which is, you know, every hour, twice an hour, I don’t know,” Speed said. “Then I just vibrate so fast that I can type like, probably 140, 150 words per minute? Well, I say words, it’s more a random string of letters, but what are words if not random strings of letters that we agree mean something? So all I have to do is translate this back to American English, then I’ll have my 10-page paper done. And my lab report, I think, unless this was supposed to be my other essay? I guess I’ll find out once I translate it back to English, right?” 

I asked him if there were any downsides to this study method. 

“I mean — and I don’t know if this is connected — but I’ve had some trouble falling asleep lately,” Speed said. “So then I’m lying in bed all night, teeth chattering, running flashcards in my head. But, on the plus side, that’s extra studying time. Oh, crap, I gotta piss again, BRB!” 

I waited for Speed to return for 45 minutes, but he never did. So I moved on to my next interviewees. Two junior nursing majors, Clair Tile and Spina Jones, had some of their own insights to share on their studying habits. 

“Yeah, so we’ve been trying this new TikTok study method — the Pomodoro technique? We study for 18 hours and then sleep for four hours. Then, as a reward, we get two hours to ourselves, so we usually eat at that point,” Tiles said. 

“Mmhmm, those two hours are the best part,” Jones added. “Otherwise I’d be so stressed about midterms, I wouldn’t ever get a chance to decompress. I use my two hours to eat and then work out at the Pete. It’s the only thing that keeps me sane.”

I asked if that method was a bit too rigorous to be sustainable. 

“You think that’s bad? When Hillman stayed open 24 hours for finals, we literally lived here. Like, I’d go shower in the gym, but then come straight back,” Tile said. “That’s why they give out the free coffee and cookies — so we don’t eat the books. And you know I’ve tried!” 

Jones and Tile laughed at that, but I could tell they weren’t joking. 

“We just find a quiet fourth-floor spot and make a bed out of textbooks,” Jones said. “That way we can subconsciously learn while sleeping. People do it — I don’t know why you’re making that face!” 

I explained that I was just surprised to hear that as a liberal arts major who’s only gone to Hillman to blow up the bathroom or print stuff for class, then I found the next person willing to be disturbed from their studying. 

Junior philosophy major Tom Links thought up a more nefarious scheme, which may or may not be publishable. His opinions are strictly his and do not echo reality to any degree. 

“I’m going to — well, allegedly, maybe — kidnap my professor and force him to give me an A for his freedom,” Links said. 

When asked if he doesn’t think that’s just a tiny bit of an overreaction, he replied, “What, like you think he’ll get so pissed that he’ll lower my grade, instead of raise it? I didn’t even think about that! Okay, maybe if we kidnap the TA, and the ransom is an A grade for her freedom, then the professor will be way more incentivized to just give me what I want and not call the cops. That’s what you’re saying, right?” 

I told him there’s no “we,” that’s not what I’m saying and that I won’t be an accomplice.

“Okay, sure, but you need people to talk to for this, and I’ve seen you ask this whole floor and everyone fully ignored you. So it seems like I’m doing you a pretty big favor, yeah? So you can do me this one little favor in return, right?” 

The rest of the interview is unfortunately confidential, so we’ll have to move on to the last person I talked to. 

Senior engineering major Maddy Wentworth came up with a terrific strategy to ensure a passing grade — she hasn’t slept in four days. 

“I’m literally an engineering major at Pitt. What do you want? And how long is this going to take?” Wentworth asked when I first approached her. 

I told her it wouldn’t be long, that I just wanted to hear her experience to share it with the great people of Pitt. She scoffed at this. 

“I haven’t met a single great person at this school. Just freaky professors that think we can do a month’s worth of homework in a week and annoying kids that jump in front of my electric scooter when I’m just trying to get to class on time!” Wentworth said. 

When asked if she thinks the lack of sleep made her delusional, she replied, “Maybe you’re delusional from too much sleep. Have you ever thought about that? Who decided that we all need eight hours of sleep each night anyway, you know? Maybe we’re supposed to sleep sixteen hours, and only be awake eight hours. Or maybe we were never supposed to sleep at all! I have to get back to work now. Go away or I’ll find you and hit you with my scooter again.” 

I asked if it was her that time I was a victim of a scooter hit and run, and all she did was smile evilly, so I guess that answers that question. 

So what did we learn? Caffeine will save you, people with electric scooters are bad people, don’t kidnap Pitt faculty, and always make time for a shower? Sure. Why not. Personally, I’ll be surviving midterms the same way I always have — with hope, espresso and oodles of procrastination. Bye, pookies! 

Alaina McCall writes things. Sometimes even their homework assignments, or satires for their job here at The Pitt News. If you know how to write, prove it by emailing them at mccallalaina@gmail.com