Satire | I miss spring break Pitt

There are many upsides and many downsides to spring break, much like life. On the upside, we get a break from classes, granting us time to catch up on all the assignments we are severely behind on. Campus is also deserted since all the students with families or money evacuated to spend time with them.

On the downside, spring break ends. Everyone comes back and asks you what you did over break — nothing — before bragging about what they did, which is inevitably the most fun thing you’ve ever heard of, drawing attention to how little fun you had during your short respite from school. 

Forbes is once again an unbearable sea of people that you have to fight through just to get from Atwood Street to Oakland Avenue. Sure, you were once accustomed to the battle, but that was eons, or even days, ago. You’re not primed for it anymore after spring break.

All you want to do is walk to class, despite not wanting to go to class, but you have to deal with the worst people to inhabit the Earth, meaning other Pitt students. On just my first day back to class, this is what I saw. 

1. A guy on a scooter wide-eyed stared at me while quickly drawing closer and closer, daring me to stay in his path of destruction. 
2. While entering Towers for personal reasons, a guy exiting cut in front of me on my way to the door — which, sure, go for it, man. But right as our faces were mere inches apart, he coughed loudly, hitting me directly in the face. I tried holding my breath, but it was too late. I was most likely infected. Then, once I gained entry to Towers Lobby, I swiftly wished I had saved my breath so I could hold it now, as the worst smells I’ve encountered mixed in my nose to make the air I breathed more BO than O2. I ran as fast as I could to escape, but it was too late. The memory of the accursed scent already tainted my very life force, ruining the rest of my afternoon. 
3. After battling my way into the swarm going to class, I once again heard the accursed sound of the scooter approaching, ringing its bell to tell us all, “get out of my way or you’ll be sorry.” But for once, I wasn’t. The mass of people walking was so great that the driver had no choice but to go at a walking pace, rendering her scooter more useless than usual. 

She saw a small opening in the crowd and began revving her engine to crash through the unaware crowd, but I decided that enough was enough and stepped to the left, blocking the small opening as fast as I could. And it worked. She slammed on the brakes, preventing my slaughter, for better or worse. I sighed in relief, glad to have protected the microscopic first-years she almost executed in her haste to get to class. 

1. Classes. And homework, if you can believe it. It’s enough to make anyone do something crazy. 
2. When I was walking home, I thought I heard someone — or something — following me. But I brushed it off. Tons of people live in South O. I was just being paranoid. But I couldn’t help it. I was terrified. I grabbed my keys and ran home, locking the door behind me as fast as I could. After catching my breath, I looked through the peephole in my front door, positive I was being ridiculous — and there he stood. A man on a scooter. I jumped back, horrified. He was staring right at the peephole. 

I went to my room, being sure to close the door quietly and keep the lights off. I waited two hours before peeking out my window to see if he was still there. And there he was, looking right at me. He sat outside my house looking up at my window for a couple more hours, before finally going home. I pray that he doesn’t return. 

1. The lines for food everywhere on Forbes are so long again! I had to wait minutes for my dinner, like a peasant. I miss being the only customer in any business at any given time. The servers were so desperate for tips during break that they’d do crazy stuff if you asked. 

I have resolved to fix my problems in the only way that makes sense. I considered attempting to time travel to summer break or create a new pandemic so that the school would be evacuated. But as an English writing and film production major, I just don’t have the scientific know-how to do either of those things. So, I will use the skills I acquired back in October to create a revolution. I’m going to breed a massive army of lanternflies, then raise them to understand me. 

I’m also going to give them armor to render them uncrushable. And if someone tries to step on them, their armor will pierce through the would-be crusher’s shoe and inflict them with a small amount of venom. Not enough to kill them, but enough to incapacitate them and freak them out. Once they recover, people will spread what happened to them, scaring everyone, and forcing them all to evacuate Pitt and all of Oakland, until all that’s left are me and all the lanternflies. Well, all the lanternflies besides the one that matters — Nelson, my fallen comrade. This is all for you. Well, it’s mostly for me, because campus was crazy, but your brethren will thrive in their new kingdom, smiling up at you in heaven from Cathy Castle. 

I plan to enact these plans as soon as possible. I will be gathering the eggs once night falls. The man with the scooter is outside again watching me, but he’ll be gone by then. Oh! Actually, he’s gone now. Huh. I guess I can go now. But I’m hearing something in the hallway, right outside my door. It has to just be one of my roommates. I have to stop freaking myself out like this. I’ll go check, then I can fix everything. Be right back! 

Alaina McCall writes things. Sometimes weird things, sometimes funny things. Usually both. If you’re weird or funny, let them know by emailing them at mccallalaina@gmail.com