Littman: Some advice for the All-American Basketball Alliance

As Chris Rock once said, “If it’s all white, it’s all right.”

Rock wasn’t referring… As Chris Rock once said, “If it’s all white, it’s all right.”

Rock wasn’t referring to basketball when he said that, but some people think it applies just as well. And it’s that thinking that led us to the All-American Basketball Alliance, a new professional basketball league open only to white, American-born players that hopes to launch this summer. Yes, this is real. News broke last week about the league, which hopes to have 12 teams for its inaugural season. It seems the league is getting a lot of negative press and is being called racist. And for what? Nothing but wanting a basketball league with slight restrictions, such as being born in America to two Caucasian parents, as the press release for the league said. By the way, didn’t we all agree that racism ended last year? Or has everyone forgotten that momentous occasion when Eminem and Asher Roth were both nominated for Best Hip-Hop Video at the MTV Video Music Awards?

Of course, the politically correct society we live in today would find a problem with the AABA. Last week, the league’s commissioner Don “Moose” Lewis was interviewed by radio host Bomani Jones. During the roughly half-hour interview, Lewis spoke about his plans for the league and why he doesn’t think it’s racist.

The players have to be white, but owners and coaches don’t, Lewis said, which is why the league isn’t segregated. And at just $10,000 a team, who wouldn’t want to own one? Since his bid for the St. Louis Rams didn’t work out, this seems more than perfect for Rush Limbaugh. Still think it’s racist?

“We are allowing Jewish players, Catholic players, white Muslim players, Buddhist players,” Lewis said during the interview. “So how can this all be racist?”

Exactly. Just look at all those races in the previous paragraph. But this league isn’t about race. It’s about a style.

Lewis repeatedly said he wants the league to be fundamentally sound, and the only way to do that is to have all-white players. He wants basketball action minus the antics.

Lewis told Jones that in order to get rid of the crotch-grabbing and cursing in the NBA, the AABA is going to have stricter standards. Well, besides only letting white people in. The AABA is going to do background tests for history of drug use and criminal records, and it won’t allow players with tattoos all over their bodies.

Lewis said the league already has TV offers, including a show on which an all-star team from his league plays a team of all black players called “Snowball vs. Bro Ball.”

Lewis seems to have everything planned out. He told Jones that after the first year, he’s going to create a sister league of all black, fundamentally sound players. You can see Lewis isn’t racist because he avoided calling it a “brotha league”, which would’ve been inappropriate. He also said the winners of the two leagues are going to play in a championship. No word yet on whether or not the arena for that game will have separate drinking fountains and eating areas for the two teams and their respective fans.

This league is going to take off. The idea itself is just a two-handed layup setup by a perfectly executed give-and-go. It’s a well-placed bounce pass leading to a mid-range jumper.

And I want to be a part of that. So, Mr. Lewis, here are some ideas for the league.

First off, team names: Indiana Larry Birds, San Diego White Flight, Memphis Elvis’, Kentucky Killer Kangaroos, Nebraska Larry the Cable Guys, Vermont Teddy Bears (synergy), South Carolina Mayonnaise.

As for the referees, no zebra stripes. Refs will now be known as polar bears for their all-white attire.

The NBA champ gets the Larry O’Brien NBA Championship Trophy. The AABA winner gets the Strom Thurmond Trophy.

Players’ shorts are forbidden to go past the knee. If there’s one thing people want to see more than fundamental basketball, it’s some thigh.

You can also have cheerleaders, for this is basketball. But they can only dance to the Grateful Dead, Dave Matthews Band, the Decemberists, the Osmonds, Vampire Weekend and Dead Prez. And the cheerleaders can only do that funny hippie dancing where they slowly sway their arms in a wave-like motion while doing roughly three 360-degree turns per minute.

Since only white people can play in the fundamental league that must mean only white people truly appreciate that style of basketball, which isn’t outdated at all since the way sports are played should never evolve. Because of that, only white people should get to vote for all-stars.

There you have it, Mr. Lewis. I hope this helps, and I anxiously await the start of the league, which I see going off without a hitch. Just one more piece of advice:

People are going to call this league hateful, say it’s wrong and it’s a race issue, but stick with it. This isn’t about black or white, obviously. It’s about green.