Lehe: Settling our differences one airsoft BB at a time

Today, I endorse airsoft guns.

A few weeks ago, my parents came to visit. I wanted my house… Today, I endorse airsoft guns.

A few weeks ago, my parents came to visit. I wanted my house to look nice, so I issued an ultimatum to my housemates. I wrote it on the dry erase board we have in the kitchen:

1. Every item you leave out in the common areas I will hide in the basement.

2. I will shoot you one time with my airsoft gun for every item you leave out.

The second threat was just a joke. Who would shoot someone with an airsoft gun? An airsoft gun is a toy gun that shoots plastic BBs. It hurts about as bad as a bee sting that you got two days ago. Unless you’re in an airsoft battle, it’s not polite to shoot people.

Still, I figured the first threat was strong enough.

I was wrong. I ended up having to hide a lot of miscellany in the basement.

Everyone has cleaned up after roommates. It’s always the same. Every piece of clutter seems like an intentional gesture of disrespect.

It’s like your floor is strewn with middle fingers. Later on, you retaliate by leaving dishes in the sink. The contest escalates silently, like the Cold War arms race.

This time was different.

While I carried things down the stairs to hide in the cellar darkness, a funny thought cropped up: What if I really do shoot my housemates with an airsoft gun?

I resolved to carry out threat No. 2. My whole attitude changed immediately.

When each sock, box or bike tool strewn on the floor is a little ticket to shooting someone with an airsoft gun, the week-old, half-empty glass of Coke you have to pour out starts to look half full.

Later, as I trained the bead of my airsoft shotgun on my delinquent housemate, I realized I felt no resentment.

“This was just the way things had to be,” I thought. “The course of nature compels me to light up this dude’s a** with an airsoft gun.”

For the first time, I understood what Mr. T means when he says he pities the fool. Mr. T feels so sure he will have justice that he doesn’t even know about resentment.

He also seems to think that crossing him is not so much a matter of villainy as it is foolishness, because crossing Mr. T will definitely not pay off. It is a matter of fact. Hence, Mr. T knows only pity. Pity is a better emotion than bitterness.

I propose we shoot our friends with airsoft guns whenever we’re disrespected, betrayed, ignored or disappointed ­— whenever they do pretty much anything that would otherwise spark smoldering resentment.

Shooting friends with airsoft guns would prevent petty acts of vengeance, venting behind our friends’ backs and volcanic outbursts of anger that don’t make any sense in context.

It would let us look our friends in the eyes, because they would all be equals, instead of people who unwittingly owe secret debts. It’s a way to resurrect the age-old practice of dueling, but without the accompanying age-old practice of dying.

I can imagine two objections to my proposal:

1. Wouldn’t people get their eyes shot out? We would have to wear sunglasses all day.

2. What if someone gets shot but doesn’t feel the shot was justified? He would feel resentful and therefore shoot back. It’s another cycle of escalation.

The answer to these objections is that everyone wants to live in a world where people wear sunglasses and shoot one another with airsoft pellets all day. That world is awesome.

The pleasure of airsoft guns has only started recently, but it feels as ancient and natural as kissing.

It is innate, like the pleasures of dipping your hands in bowls of tiny beads, hunting through mixed nuts for the cashews or peeling off really big pieces of skin when you get sunburned.

Airsoft warfare is so fun because it offers unique experiences, such as frantically loading, peering around corners, avoiding creaky steps and diving into rooms.

The diving is especially important, because you seldom get the chance to make a fully justified dive in ordinary life — most diving in pick-up football or ultimate Frisbee is unnecessary.

So with that, let’s make it a more awesome world. Grab an airsoft gun, don your shades and take aim.

E-mail Lewis at ljl10@pitt.edu.