Opinion | Not every woman wants to be a mother

“You’ll change your mind one day.” “But, you’d make such a good mother.” “You’re going to regret not having them.” This is what women can expect to hear when they say they don’t want kids. I believe there is an expectation in society that every woman is going to be a mother. An implication that women can only be happy or lead fulfilling lives if they become a mother. An assumption that every woman wants to be a mother. These expectations are known as the motherhood mandate. The motherhood mandate states that “bearing children is essential to a woman’s life, and not having children would challenge her womanhood.” However, this mandate should not exist. If a woman chooses to not have children, it is completely fine. They are in charge of their own lives and get to decide how they live it. Women can live extremely fulfilling lives without children, and society should stop enforcing the mandate and putting these pressures on women. 

This mandate shapes how women are treated in society. Women who choose not to have children are often labeled as selfish, cold or unwomanly. Erving Goffman, an American sociologist, even labeled women who choose not to have children as “an indecent social mark.” Men, however, do not receive this same treatment. In fact, Americans were twice as likely to say women face pressure to have children than men do. This double standard reinforces the idea that a woman’s value in society lies in her ability to mother children rather than her individuality, ambitions and accomplishments. Over time, this idea pressures women into believing that they need to have children in order to be successful. 

I think a lot of this stigma starts with young girls and their toys. Toys geared towards girls are often baby dolls, a stroller and a bottle. Young girls, myself included, are asked how many kids they want and what they are going to name their kids. This idea reinforces the expectation that all women are required to be mothers — something that continues into adulthood. Women struggle to get hysterectomies — the surgical removal of the uterus or tubal litigation — more commonly known as getting your tubes tied. Some doctors require the permission of a partner in order to get the procedure. Some doctors won’t even let women get the procedure. A patient attempted to get a tubal litigation surgery when she was 27 years old. However, doctors refused to discuss it with her, claiming she was too young and would change her mind one day. 

Not only does the mandate impact women who choose not to have children, but it also impacts women who cannot have children. If a woman is facing fertility issues and society is pressuring her, it can feel like she isn’t meeting society’s expectations. This pressure causes harm to mental health and can even lead to women accepting adverse consequences like domestic violence and marriage breakdown. Women also bear the most societal consequences when it comes to infertility. 

Life fulfillment depends on the person. For some women, motherhood is deeply fulfilling and meaningful. For others, things like friendships, careers, travel or personal growth are fulfilling, and motherhood just wouldn’t be fulfilling. Neither path is better than the other. The suggestion that there is only one path for women limits how women can define success or how others see success in women. The impact of fulfillment depends on the person. Women should have the choice to have or not have children without facing societal pressures and expectations. 

Motherhood can be extremely fulfilling for some women, but it isn’t the right path for everyone, and it shouldn’t have to be. There are infinite possibilities for a fulfilling life, and children are in no way required to have one. If a woman says she doesn’t want to be a mother, their choice should be respected, just like we respect the choice for women to have a child. There also should not be so much societal pressure to have children, as this has a negative impact on women who choose not to have children or women who are struggling to have children. Respecting women means letting them decide what fulfillment looks like for themselves. 

Serenity Bunner is a first-year on a pre-law track and is a communications and law, criminal justice and society double major. Email her at spb118@pitt.edu.