Uncle Johnny: the right choice

Watching the vice presidential debate, I noticed that what candidates say conveys no knowledge… Watching the vice presidential debate, I noticed that what candidates say conveys no knowledge about their positions. An example: IFILL: Do you believe, as Vice President Cheney does, that the executive branch does not hold complete sway over the office of the vice presidency, that it is also a member of the legislative branch? PALIN: Well, our founding fathers were very wise there in allowing through the Constitution much flexibility there in the office of the vice president. And we will do what is best for the American people in tapping into that position and ushering in an agenda that is supportive and cooperative with the president’s agenda in that position. So, while watching, I started to imagine what would happen if, instead of Sarah Palin, my Uncle Johnny was the Republican VP pick. Here’s a transcript from another universe: [SEN. JOSEPH BIDEN, senatorial, underdeveloped, putters across the stage. UNCLE JOHNNY, a hulking specimen, stomps over to where Sen. Biden crouches, panting like an aged coal miner with black lung. They shake hands. Biden whimpers in pain like a consumptive Irish Catholic orphan. The two return to their podiums.] IFILL: The House of Representatives this week passed a big bailout bill. As America watches these things happen on Capitol Hill, was this the worst of Washington or the best of Washington that we saw play out? BIDEN: I think it’s neither the best nor worst of Washington, but it’s evidence of the fact that the economic policies of the last eight years have been the worst economic policies we’ve ever had. IFILL: Thank you, Senator, for rhetorically vomiting on my question. Uncle Johnny? UNCLE JOHNNY: I’m not the governor of Alaska, but I am the 2002 Masters Mr. Alaska bodybuilder and won first place Open Heavy Division at the 2006 Northern Lights Classic. This is actually true, and I am the younger brother of Lewis Lehe’s father. [A murmur of approval spreads across the audience like wildfire. From this point on, Uncle Johnny is constantly winking and/or flexing at the camera.] IFILL:’ The subprime crisis. Who do you think was at fault? The greedy lenders? The risky home-buyers? BIDEN: Well, Gwen, two years ago Barack Obama warned about the subprime mortgage crisis. John McCain said shortly after that in December he was surprised there was a subprime mortgage problem’mdash; UNCLE JOHNNY: That’s enough, Sen. Biddlywinks. McCain displays the perfect masculine physique ‘mdash; pound after pound of pure, shredded muscle mass, unenhanced and unencumbered by anabolic steroids. Your accusations are unfounded and unwelcome in this competition. IFILL: Let me clear something up. Sen. McCain has said he supports caps on carbon emissions. Sen. Obama has said he supports clean coal technology, which I don’t believe you’ve always supported, Sen. Biden. BIDEN: I have always supported it. That’s a fact. IFILL: Well, clear it up for us, both of you, and start with Uncle Johnny. UNCLE JOHNNY: Guys take leucine supplements to build muscle mass and stop atrophy, but Brazilian researchers found the optimal intake differed in anabolic and catabolic states. IFILL:’ Keeping you on your toes, eh Sen. Biden? How will you two help America’s middle class? BIDEN: Let me tell you a story about a kid from a working-class family in Scranton who got to be a senator… UNCLE JOHNNY: One day my 12-year-old nephew Lewis pushed this one bully, who fell on another bully and gave him a bloody nose. I told Lewis good job. I will send every middle-class family a moose calendar and salmon every Christmas … if they pass steroid screening. The mass does not justify the means! [The crowd cannot contain itself. People are throwing their performance-enhancers to the ground and stamping them in the aisles, eyes alight and wild. They are ready for a change.] IFILL: It looks like everyone has heard enough talk, talk, talk about politics shmolitics. Sen. Biden, how much balance do you give to fast-release versus extended-release protein? BIDEN: This is insane. UNCLE JOHNNY: I am the candidate of Joe Six Pack. I am the only candidate with a six pack. [Uncle Johnny rips off his suit to reveal pound after pound of perfectly sculpted abdominal muscles. Scythes could not tear them. Women cannot tear their eyes from them. America is no longer torn. The choice is clear. In the months after this debate, the American people vote Uncle Johnny unanimously to the office of Mr. America. McCain, Biden, Obama ‘mdash; these names are lost to history. The presidency isn’t abolished so much as forgotten. Our problems fade as we train into a nation beside which Sparta would be a mere towel boy.] Now ask yourself: ‘Do I really feel any less informed reading this transcript than the real thing?’ The mass media does not justify the means, or your time. E-mail Lewis at ljl10@pitt.edu.