Bumper stickers relieve drivers’ boredom, blame

If there’s one thing that is immensely boring, it’s driving. This is why the CD player and… If there’s one thing that is immensely boring, it’s driving. This is why the CD player and cell phone were invented. Aside from shifting the gears, switching from the accelerator to the brakes, making sure no one is tailgating, staying a reasonable distance from the car ahead, putting on turn signals, making sure both hands are on the wheel, watching for pedestrians, watching for bikers, watching for stop signs, watching for construction and – in some cases – using windshield wipers, what is there to do while driving?

Someone needed to take the boredom out of operating two tons of metal on wheels. Thankfully, we live in an age where many vehicles come standard with DVD players and CD units that hold six disks. Some of us can even afford the Hummer, which was made to make the mundane nature of everyday driving feel as exciting as rolling through Baghdad.

But what is the average Joe to do about the irritation of highway boredom? When someone cannot afford an iPod, how can he be expected to enjoy driving? The answer is simple: bumper stickers.

Bumper stickers have no recorded history, but most credit is given to a man named Forest P. Gill, a silkscreen printer from Kansas City. According to bumprstickrz.com, Gill successfully created the pressure-sensitive stock used today somewhere between 1934 and the end of World War II.

Early on, the bumper sticker was used for political campaigns in order to get the message out. In today’s society, bumper stickers have taken on a much more important role. Forest P. Gill knew not of the profound impact his invention would have.

See, two types of people use the bumper sticker: people who want to tell a joke and people who want to promote blind ideology. The jokers have stickers that say, “I’d rather be fishing.” The ideology promoters have stickers that say, “Friends don’t let friends vote Republican.” Luckily for these people’s friends, the sticker user understands that you should not give loved ones more than one choice about anything.

Stickers of ideology are a fast and convenient way to show everyone that your opinions are so unchanging that they can hardly be scratched off your car without leaving some residue. The car is a metaphor for the mind.

The plus side of the sticker is that when someone sees it, he doesn’t have the chance to counterpoint or debate you. He has been forced to read one side of the story and has been refused a chance to rebuke.

The negative side is that it is difficult to find a bumper sticker that really punches. As a general rule of thumb, a bumper sticker should make a profound observation about the world. Or it should rhyme.

A profound observation would be something like, “In America, it is safer to be a spotted owl than an unborn baby.” This is so profound because before a person read that, he had no idea that not only do fetuses have more natural predators than owls, but they’re closer to extinction as well.

The bumper sticker is also used to escape fault for a horrible disaster. For a while, everyone I talked to would say to me, “Thanks a lot for the war in Iraq, Josh. Way to go.” In order to escape this, I bought the”Don’t blame me, I voted for Kerry” sticker. I have found that hardly anyone blames me entirely for the war in Iraq.

I think that perhaps the largest benefit of just slapping your beliefs on a car is that it requires no contact with other human beings. This is a good thing for democracy. If it weren’t for bumper stickers, we’d be forced to share the complications of all sorts of ideas in an open forum.

But perhaps even the largest benefit of bumper stickers is the way they act as a public service. If someone has been motivated enough to place a specific sticker on his car, I know that this is a topic about which he will spend much time talking. I can then choose to never speak with that person.

If a sticker says, “My boss is a Jewish carpenter,” then I know that this person will just try to talk to me about Jesus. I can then decide to ignore this person.

That specific example caused quite a bit of confusion when Goldman and Sons Woodwork made similar stickers as a promotion.

Basically, bumper stickers let us know just how unpleasant being around a certain person could be. If someone would rather be fishing, then speaking with that person will feel like a waste of time. If I wouldn’t understand because it’s a Jeep thing, then I know not to ask. If there’s a bumper sticker that says, “Keep working. Millions on welfare depend on you,” then I know that talking to that person will make me a bit dumber.

So while driving, remember to always check your blind spot. But more importantly, find out whether or not the guy in front of you believes in global warming.

Josh would rather receive your e-mails than go fishing. E-mail him at jmg77@pitt.edu.