Brosephs: You’re not as unique as you think you are

At parties we see them making out with the girl who just threw up on herself. On the… At parties we see them making out with the girl who just threw up on herself. On the Cathedral lawn we watch them dive on their stomachs to catch the Nerf football that their roommates have thrown to them. They wear fitted hats neither backward nor forward, but instead slightly out of line with their heads.

I’m talking about brosephs, and if young freshman guys listen to what I have to say, they can avoid becoming a member of this endemic band of hooligans. If you’re not sure what I mean by the word broseph, then perhaps you are familiar with the terms bro, tool, toolbag and douchebag. If you cannot be sure whether or not you are a broseph, then read the following list to see if you have any of the symptoms:

“Family Guy” is an important part of the broseph’s life. He incessantly quotes episodes, sometimes for more than three minutes. Every time he sees an attractive woman, he finds it necessary to shout out “giggity!”

A broseph more than likely will have a Bob Marley poster on his wall, but will only be able to name two Bob Marley songs: “One Love” and “No Woman, No Cry.” A similar condition might occur with the ownership of an Abbey Road T-shirt.

Brosephs have a frightening taste in films. From “Donnie Darko” to “The Boondock Saints” to “Napoleon Dynamite,” the broseph DVD collection contains all of the most overrated movies ever made. This has boggled my mind for some time, but I have deduced that the reason is because these films offer quotes suited for Facebook and away messages.

Brosephs also fail to see just how blatantly homoerotic the movie “300” was.

When offered the choice between a Cohiba cigar and a Philly blunt, the broseph asks but one question: “Which one is cherry-flavored?”

The broseph has at least three pictures on Facebook of him smoking from a hookah. Similarly, at least one can or bottle of beer appears in 80 percent of his pictures.

A broseph’s workout routine contains bench press and bicep curls. If there’s time, he will do abs. This is because most of the time spent at the gym is spent admiring the workout routines of the girls on elliptical machines.

These are just a few symptoms of what is becoming an epidemic around college campuses. If more than two of these things exist in a young man, he is most likely on the path to brosephdom. But there is good news. This is something that can be prevented. The key is realizing that something strange is happening.

If I find myself talking about the party I went to on Friday and it is already Wednesday, I take a step back and remind myself that telling people how much I partied over the weekend is restricted to Sunday and Monday.

If I catch myself saying, “You know what? ‘Donnie Darko’ is a really complex and interesting movie. It’s really well written,” then I know that something is wrong.

When I go to a hookah lounge and think to myself, “I’ll bet people really want to see me doing this,” I slap myself back into normalcy.

Sometimes, when there are poster sales on campus, I must remind myself that I can’t even name a Bob Marley album, and so I have no reason to have his face on my wall.

College is a time of change for everyone. Someone once told me that if college didn’t change me, then college didn’t do its job. This is the most important thing that a young college student can remember.

These are the years in which we students grow into the citizens that we will be for the rest of our lives. The value systems that our parents indoctrinated into us will be altered, if not completely changed. And although internal change is unavoidable, it must still be managed.

Remember that, in college, your friends will come from all walks of life. Your college friends will include people you may not have spoken to in high school. That is the beauty of higher education. The pressure to enjoy groups like Fall Out Boy and Nickelback doesn’t exist. You have the ability to just be who you want to be without facing social exile.

Some young men are doomed to become brosephs. For some people, it is just a natural part of the fitting in process. Perhaps this is really who you are. If so, then disregard this column. But when you find yourself doing things that don’t fit with the type of person you are, just remember one thing: you really don’t have to care that much about the rules of beer pong.

Still wondering if you’re a broseph? E-mail Josh at jmg77@pitt.edu.