New students: Add “Bro” and “Yinzer” to our vocabulary

When I first came to Pitt, I was confused about certain terminology. I thought I’d help out… When I first came to Pitt, I was confused about certain terminology. I thought I’d help out you newcomers out by describing two characters you’ll meet at Pitt.

Yinzers: “Yinz” is a Pittsburgh colloquialism meaning “y’all” or “you guys” and fills the second-person-plural-shaped hole in all of us. Yinzers are Pittsburgh locals who say “yinz.” If you’re not from Pittsburgh, you might wonder, “Who are these noble natives, my new neighbors, the Yinzers?”

Down by the rivers, you can see warehouses surrounded by stacks of unshaped metals. The companies that own the warehouses have ambiguous names that seem like they’re from a pulp comic book, like “Union Business Machinery,” and it’s unclear at first what’s actually done with all the metal. Rest assured – Yinzers are going to attach those pieces of metal to other ones. The steel industry retreated, but Yinzers continue to find employment involving lots of metal. Yinzers even get nervous when there isn’t more than 50 tons of metal within a short walk of their person – hence the bridges. In this sense Yinzers are like Magneto.

How can you spot a Yinzer? Yinzers have leathery skin that’s tanned dark orange. This tan is mysterious: first, because even Yinzers who work inside have it; and second, because even if they are working outside, in Pittsburgh there is not enough sun to make mayonnaise go bad, much less give a tan.

Most notably, Yinzers have massive forearms. The forearms give Yinzers “Old Man Strength,” which is their greatest power. OMS is the type of strength that your grandfather displays when he drives a screw through fiberglass with his fingers, even though he doesn’t work out. OMS usually only comes after a lifetime of changing your own oil but is congenital among Yinzers. The average Yinzer can dissipate a tornado with a flick of the wrist and a Fourth of July pinwheel. For this reason, most Yinzers do not appreciate the novelty of a Chinese Finger Trap or the advantages of torque.

The second type of character you will meet at Pitt is the “Bro.” The stereotypical Bro is a guy wearing a popped collar, a sideways visor and flip-flops. He loves “Wedding Crashers” and Jack Johnson. He says “chill.” He’s shallow. Deep down in his heart of hearts, all he wants out of life is to hook up with hot girls.

However, Bro-ness evolves. Many Bros are going indie. They’re trading in the Jack Johnson for Death Cab for Cutie and Brand New. Other Bros are getting country. How can you identify the Bros?

What defines Bro-dom across fads, fashions and decades is a particular method of getting girls. Girls say they are attracted to confident guys, but this is only half the story. If a high-achieving pre-med kid believes he’ll go to Harvard med school, he is too intimidating for most girls. On the other hand, if a guy is a lazy moron, but every fiber of his being vibrates with the monolithic conviction that he will attend Harvard med school, he’ll have to beat them off with a stick. The latter guy is a Bro.

Cocky but not intimidating, Bros aim for the large constituency of girls who are only attracted by confidence when it is unjustified. Therefore a Bro maximizes the disparity between his faith in himself and any evidence that would lend credence to that faith. He does this first by seeming confident and second by seeming incompetent. Whenever you see this confidence-incompetence dichotomy at play, rest assured that the guy in question is either a Bro or Will Ferrell.

Now you can understand Bro fashion, such as popped collars, Livestrong bracelets and pencils worn behind the ear. It’s all intended to polish off any doubt about a Bro’s mediocrity. I predict that next year’s Bro fashion will involve popping your shorts up around your thighs and taping a graphing calculator to your hat-brim.

Also, most Bros own guitars that they have never practiced. To impress a girl, a Bro pulls out the guitar and plays a terrible rendition of Green Day’s “Time of Your Life.” With a furrowed brow, as if perplexed that he sucks, the Bro claims that he used to be awesome and that he is about to get a chord book and be awesome. But the Bro’s guitar skills are of no consequence to the girl. What she adores in him is the fabricated history of guitar skills, and the doomed faith in guitar skills to come.

Finally, when a Bro hits on a girl, he purposely does a bad job but then acts like he did a good job. For example, a bro might see a girl with a laundry basket in an elevator, and comment, “Doin’ some laundry?” The girl will sigh and roll her eyes, “Of course I’m doing laundry. I have a laundry basket.” It looks like a strike-out, but it’s really a set-up. The bro straight up asks for her number. “I can’t believe this idiot has the gall to ask for my number after playing such a weak game,” she scoffs inwardly, as she reads him her number.

I hope these profiles make your transition to Pitt easier.

For advice on living up to your full Bro or Yinzer potential, e-mail Lewis at ljl10@pitt.edu.