Facebook a mixed bag for couples

Facebook is the death of college relationships.

At least that’s what a small group of… Facebook is the death of college relationships.

At least that’s what a small group of students decided Monday night in the William Pitt Union at a lecture and discussion session presented by the University Counseling Center focused on maintaining healthy relationships.

The event was the second in a three-part lecture series designed to help students begin and maintain healthy relationships and, when necessary, end the ones that are not so healthy.

The students’ qualms with Facebook arose when Jamie Bromley, a licensed social worker and one of the speakers for the evening, asked the group to share which things make maintaining relationships hard.

Attendees offered many traditional relationship difficulties, such as continuing communication, resisting sexual temptation and differing levels of commitment between the two partners. Pitt student Phillip Gallagher even suggested that the key to maintaining a good relationship is “that she doesn’t act up.” But the challenges presented by Facebook soon became the focus of the discussion.

Facebook provides too much access to information about others, the group decided, like friend requests and details, picture-tagging, wall-postings and gifts.

“The worst part of it all is the news feed,” a student chimed in, speaking of the Web site’s feature that informs the user, upon login, of dozens of actions involving the user’s friends that have taken place on the site in the last few hours.

“When your boyfriend writes on his ex-girlfriend’s wall, you want to know and you don’t want to know at the same time,” the student said. A few students shared this ambiguity toward the site and offered personal stories of how Facebook exposed their partners’ betrayals.

Bromley also prodded the group to discuss the value of emotional intimacy and reasons why it can be so hard to achieve. Intimacy is built over time, Bromley said, with trust, open communication and full disclosure, all of which require the partners to allow themselves to be vulnerable. This sound fear of vulnerability is often what stands in the way of a couple achieving true emotional intimacy, she said.

The students received tips on how to continue engaging in good communication after the “honeymoon” phase of the relationship has ended: Be a good listener, be present in conversation, maintain eye contact and don’t formulate a response while the other person is talking.

In conversation, the use of “I” statements instead of the more aggressive “You” statements can also be far more productive, as they keep the other person from becoming defensive. However, it is still important to be assertive in expressing feelings, the speakers reminded the group, because issues that go unaddressed are likely to fester.

Not surprisingly, in light of the heated Facebook discussion that transpired earlier in the session, the counselors advised against using technology for any important communication. Discussing serious issues through instant messenger services, text messages and even over the phone can be risky, they warned, because of the ease with which misunderstandings can take place in the absence of tone of voice, eye contact, gestures and facial expressions.

But this is only the second installment in this three-part series.

“Breaking Up,” the third and final part of the Healthy Relationships lecture series, will take place Thursday, April 12, from 7 to 8:30 p.m. in room 310 of the William Pitt Union.