EDITORIAL – Viva corruption, down with TPN

Editor’s Note: This story is part of the April Fools’ issue and is not to be taken seriously…. Editor’s Note: This story is part of the April Fools’ issue and is not to be taken seriously.

Yesterday, a certain college newspaper ran an editorial blasting local politicians for their efforts in distributing a slots license and building a new arena for our fair city. We at The Pitt Newt are not one for pointing fingers, so we’ll just call the rag in question “The Pitt Knews.”

OK, so it was The Pitt News. Yep, those fascist contrarian pinko commies are upset with something again. What’s that? Local politics is getting ugly? Oh, don’t worry, that pack of ornery, undersexed fools is all over it.

This time, the Pitt News Partisan Hackery Machine is upset with corruption in local politics. How naive. Clearly they underestimate what great accomplishments corruption has brought about in our great nation.

Look at Las Vegas. This is a town run almost entirely by the criminal element, where 12-year-olds can buy booze anywhere, cigarettes are handed out in church instead of the Eucharist and you can get good, Syphilis-free sex for your hard-earned money. It’s paradise!

And let’s not forget the rich cultural tradition behind government corruption. The image of the cigar-chomping, monocle-wearing city bosses of yore make The Pitt Newt feel all warm and fuzzy inside. But it’s not the inner warmth of hard liquor, The Pitt News’s only sacred love — it’s the warmth that comes from loving America. Don’t you love America, The Pitt News? Apparently not. Love for corruption is love for America. Don’t believe us? We have three words for you: Teapot Dome Scandal.

Want two more? Iran Contra. Sure, we armed Saddam Hussein in the ’80s for that, but we managed to piss Iran off, and we’re back to hating them more again, so it’s all come full circle. Besides, the same guys who armed Hussein made sure he was knocked out again anyway. So what did the Iran Contra scandal get us? A free Iraq, a really dejected Hussein and a lot of aggravation for those freedom-hating Iranian freakjobs. All’s well that ends well, that’s what The Pitt Newt says.

And that’s the beauty of corruption. Freedom for Iraq. Railroads. Really curiously efficient elections. Cheap gas. Affordable, legal hummers in one glorious state of the blessed Union. A glistening spring break/bachelor party destination for all Americans. All three “Godfather” movies. Do you want to live without these things?

The Pitt News seems to want you to. Do you really want to leave that decision up to a paper whose Editor in Chief listens to Bright Eyes and whose Managing Editor is a backstabbing, womanizing alcoholic? Of course not. That’s why you have The Pitt Newt. While they’re busy chasing half-baked student conspiracy groups, we’ll be here putting out the news annually, loving America and supporting the troops.