Be grateful you have no Dick to cuddle up with this Valentine’s Day

If you’re single and find yourself harboring homicidal thoughts about every mushy couple you… If you’re single and find yourself harboring homicidal thoughts about every mushy couple you see frolicking around Oakland this Valentine’s Day, don’t act upon them. Just reassure yourself that, yes, life could be worse. You could be stuck in a relationship with one of these relentlessly grating celebrities:

Andy Dick. First off, the guy’s last name is a slang word for a male who possesses less than admirable qualities. If that’s any indication, I’m sure he’s not the kind of guy who will treat you to flowers and chocolates on a regular basis – or even just on Valentine’s Day. In addition to his unfortunate moniker, he has equally unfortunate taste in hairstyle and eye apparel. And his personality rates right up there with that person in your circle of friends who seems to exist just to let everyone know how inferior they are to him in every way imaginable.

Kathy Griffin. Even though she was on “Suddenly Susan” with Brat Pack rebel Judd Nelson, apparently his badass vibe didn’t rub off on her. She can’t speak a sentence without screeching it, and anything she says is just ridiculously asinine anyway. Thank your lucky stars that you’re not cuddling up with her on the 14th.

Gilbert Gottfried. He was perfect as Iago, the annoying parrot in Aladdin, with a voice that sounds like a thousand heavy power tools gone haywire. Then the world realized it wasn’t just an act – his voice really does sound like that all the time. And he’s quite proud of it, too. How’d you like to have him whispering – or rather, shouting – sweet nothings into your ear?

Kelly Ripa. This woman is so annoying that she probably makes Regis beg to have Kathie Lee back with him in the wee hours of the morning. Her perkiness forces most people to exercise tight control over their gag reflex. Plus, she’s seemingly always pregnant. If you’re not ready to start a family yet, you’d do best to stay away from her.

So quit feeling so despondent about your lack of a love life during this wonderful time of year that usually sends people into downward spirals in terms of self-esteem. It could be worse. You could be waking up next to Andy Dick.